Breaking the Silence
by Gothic-Romantic99
Summary: Reid is struggling with his addiction. He knows he needs help and turns to the one person who promised to be there for him at all costs. Contains spoilers for "Revelation" and "Jones."
1. Silence and Shadows

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

Warnings: 1) This story contains a scene (and spoilers) for the episode "Jones" and spoilers for the episode "Revelation."

2) This story contains: drug usage, blood, dark images, sorrow, angst, and minor self-inury.

Author's Notes: 1) After watching the episode "Revelation" today I was inspired to write this. It's dark and gloomy, but hopefully you all like it.

2)I researched the withdraw symptoms for heroin before posting this chapter, so hopefully it's correct. If something is not right, please let me know and I'll fix it.

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><p>It was always dark. Even in the illuminated rooms of the office, various locations the team visited, and now his apartment bathroom lit with a sole bulb (for he had yet to replace the two that had burnt out), the lighting could not alleviate the blackness that hovered about his soul. The lights, even candles, harmed his eyes. While in his current state he felt he did not deserve to bask in their bright comforts. The shadows were more welcoming, more understanding. They encircled him in their cold embrace, shushing in his ears, helping to control the spinning behind his eyes. His breathing hurried in an attempt to shut out the chills.<p>

He wrapped his arms around his scrawny frame, his upper body hunched over his knees. He shed the vest, shirt, and tie hours ago. His oily hair fell over his face. His stomach contents had already been spilled in the toilet several times over the last few hours. The sweats came and went, but each time seemed worst than the last. Blood seeped through his fingers, dripping at a steady beat to the tiled floor.

No one said the recovery would be easy, he knew that, all the medical journals and articles he read on withdraws foretold the physical and mental strains. Those facts and statistics raced through his head which each breath. He gripped at his throbbing head. He knew what the drug was slowly doing to him. He knew if he did not stop he would lose everything: his job, his friends, his reputation, everything he worked for. He had to stop. But at the moment he needed another hit. He bargained to whatever higher power would listen: if he was allowed just one more dose he would stop for good. However there were doubts in the back of his mind he wondered if he had any intentions on keeping his word.

His word.

Reid glanced up at what was left of the bathroom mirror. The sink sat in shambles. Broken glass complete with empty medicine bottles and other toiletry items littered the counter. He ransacked the medicine cabinet for anything that would give him the temporary release until he found a dealer he could trust. If not in a state of immense agony he would have laughed at that thought. There was half a bottle of aspirin and a few pills of Tylenol left, but nothing that could replace the effects of dilaudid. In his frustration Reid punched out the mirror, the shards left as a souvenir in his hand. He now slowly pulled each one out, hissing at the sharp pain. He already dreaded the questions that would come the next morning at work.

Reid ran a bloody hand through his hair. Clear mucus leaked from his left nostril. He rubbed at his nose for the tenth time in the past five minutes. His tearstained cheeks glistened in the dim light.

He glanced down at the track marks on his arm. His index and middle finger gently stroked the area that had been punctured more than he would have liked in the past month. It was still sore to the touch despite the fact that no needle touched it in nearly a week. He found other ways to administer the drug that were not as likely to attract unwanted attention. Reid clenched his teeth as another sharp pain pulsed through his abdomen. He took a deep breath, letting the air escape in the form of a sob.

He had gone almost a day without shooting up. According to Gideon that was something to be proud of. Reid assured his teammates that he was better, he even apologized to Prentiss and Morgan for his rude behavior and lying. They both forgave him and confessed only being concerned about his welfare. The boy genius refused to let them know of his struggles, though he was certain they already knew. They assumed he was getting help and doing better, but the truth was he had learned to hide it better.

He had to hide his feelings while he was tweaking from his colleagues. His lies were becoming more convincing with each one that left his lips. He even began to scare himself by how well he could lie his way out of anything and no one noticed. He attended meetings, only to Gideon's knowledge, hating himself for feeling like a hypocrite.

On several occasions Gideon approached Reid and demanded to see his wrists and elbows. Reid nervously allowed him to inspect the skin. Gideon let out a sigh of relief upon seeing no new markings. The elder profile smiled and patted the younger on the shoulder, saying how proud he was that Reid was finally getting help. Those words made Reid feel even viler. He now injected himself in the thigh and once in the armpit. He felt guilty each time with the blaring knowledge that he was breaking his word to Gideon. However, he could not stop.

Reid berated himself each time he filled the syringe. He cursed himself each time the liquid was released into his veins. As the pain diminished so did the love for himself. Each time he stared at the weak being on the other side of the pane he seethed with disgust. The needle was slowly stealing his life.

Reid placed his palms straight down on the floor and ignored the protests from his empty stomach as he pushed himself to his feet. He staggered over to the cluttered sink. Reid fell, his hands grasping for the counter. He let out a cry of pain as a large sliver of glass sliced his hand. The red painted the gray granite counter. Reid leaned over the sink, overtaken by sobs and shivers.

He glanced up at the reflection that was clearly not his. Though the features resembled the man he once was, the disgrace looking back at him filled him with contempt. Reid clenched his fists, immediately regretting the decision. He leaned his back against the wall as the blood collected into a small puddle. His khaki pants were now almost entirely scarlet.

Reid's teary eyes stared at the broken man in the shattered mirror. He gulped and stumbled back over to the sink. He closed his eyes to see Tobias Hankel standing over him with the syringe in hand. Reid remembered begging him not to inject him with that substance. Tobias shushed him with the false assurance that it would make him feel better. Sure it did numb the pain, but he neglected to tell his victim that the torment that followed would make him despise himself. Hankel never mentioned the nights filled with dread and sorrow, how he regretted each time he had to take another hit. Yet if he did not shoot up he would be overrun with the thoughts and images. At the moment Reid was unsure which was worse.

He knew just what it was that triggered the last injection.

_Just yesterday they returned from another case. It consisted of brutal slayings of young women. The unsub selected victims in which the ages gradually decreased. The last to die was a sixteen-year-old. Reid could still recall her bashed up face. Her every feature was mangled within the next that were it not for her driver's license it may have been difficult to identify her. Reid felt disgusted with himself that he were allowed to survive an unsub's wrath while this girl who was just shy of reaching adulthood was not blessed with that same luxury._

_After capturing the criminal they returned to the police station to complete necessary paperwork and receive gratitude from the local authorities. Reid excused himself to the bathroom. He knew how risky it was to administer the drug in the police station, but he needed to rid himself of that image. Reid filled the syringe with the dilaudid and plunged it into his left thigh. His thighs were discolored with welts and bruises. Were he sent to a hospital for a leg injury he would be in serious trouble. He pretended to not feel any pain anytime pressure was applied to the sensitive area. The few times a wince or hiss slipped out Reid lied that it was all the hours he was pulling that strained his muscles. The others were quick to believe his plausible answer. Reid inhaled as he waited for the drug to take effect._

_He stashed the equipment in his messenger bag then rejoined the others outside. Morgan sent him a glance of concern. Reid smiled if merely to throw his fellow profiler off. Morgan blinked then let the thought go. Reid knew how dangerous it was to be drugged before stepping on the jet, but the fact that the girl's face gradually erased from his conscious memory was worth the risk._

_While on the jet Gideon sat in the seat across from his protégé. Reid glanced up and tried his best to smile._

_"Spencer," Gideon said softly._

_Reid liked the way Gideon treated him like a member of his family rather than a subordinate. Reid had come to replace his biological, poor excuse for a father with Gideon. He never treated Reid as an inferior. He greeted him with the respect and love anyone deserved. Some might even say that Gideon went far enough to consider Reid his son._

_"Hey," Reid said silently._

_"Something bothering you?" Gideon asked._

_Reid slouched. "I don't know," he said. "I know I shouldn't be thinking about it, but that girl…" Reid trailed off when her disfigured face appeared in his mind. He bit back the emotions that begged to be released. Reid feared opening his mouth for the bile threatened to rise up his esophagus. He looked Gideon in the eyes, tears about to spill. "She was so young. It—it—it's not f—it's not fair," he said just before choking on a sob. Reid closed his eyes, forcing back the tears with all his might._

_Gideon placed his hand atop Reid's. The younger glanced up as a single tear trickled down Reid's cheek. He quickly wiped it away with the hopes that Gideon would let it pass without another word._

_"Spencer, it's okay to feel that way," Gideon said. "It's what makes you human."_

_"But she—her—when will the nightmares end?" he asked._

_Gideon gave him a look of pity. He spoke in a kind voice. "I still have not figured that one out." He patted Reid's hand. "I know you'll find ways of dealing with it." He gave Reid a smile. "Just remember, you don't have to suffer in silence. I'll always be here for you."_

Reid wanted to believe the older man's words. He wished he could believe there was still hope for him.

Reid stared at the imposter of himself in the mirror. _I've found a way of dealing with it_. Reid clenched his fists, not even caring about the acute pain in his sliced palm. Reid gave his reflection a half smile. I just want it all to end. _Tobias was right, it does make it all better._ He turned his back to the mirror. His bare feet shuffled across the floor while his locks swayed in his face. _I need it. I need it now. I can't wait any longer._

Reid pulled the shirt back on his frame. The fresh blood left a handprint on the white cloth. Reid growled at himself knowing if he went out his appearance would attract attention for sure. No dealer would sell to him for fear of being caught. He shook his head at the thoughts. He had to at least try.

As Reid reached for the doorknob he looked up at the mirror hanging by the door. It was not the same as the broken one in the bathroom. He looked at himself. For the first time that day he really noticed his dreadful appearance. His scratched up hands, the palm pouring blood. He was about to leave his house barefoot. His skin was pale and clammy. His hair had lost all its shine. His eyes no longer housed the caring, innocent soul that made him who he was. He had lost his entire being to that drug.

Reid clamped a hand over his mouth. The scent of blood gagged him. Here he was about to give what cash he had to a complete stranger in exchange for a drug that could be cut with something that could kill him, or at the very least endanger his career. He remembered the proud looks those of his team gave him when he assured them he was getting help (though he never mentioned what exactly he sought help for). Sure they were all lies, but they seemed genuinely glad for him.

Reid felt even more disgusted with himself. He had led the ones who loved him on for so long. There they were concerned about him and he fed them lie after lie. He felt another wave of nausea. Whether it originated from the withdraw or his own disgust, he was unsure.

Reid hurried over to the trash can and let the contents spill from his stomach. He groaned as his throat stung. Reid clutched his aching stomach. He fell to the ground with a fevered brow. He wiped at the sweat and took a few deep breaths. His body felt like it was on fire. He was doomed to follow this cycle for the rest of his days. He would inject to relieve the symptoms and memories just for them to return hours later. He would continue until there was nothing left. It had to stop. It had to stop now.

"I can't," Reid whispered to himself. "I can't do it."

Reid rested his face against the cool kitchen floor. He let the temperature seep into his fevered flesh. He inhaled deeply. He coughed then cringed at the abdominal pain.

_He closed his eyes and recalled the day Gideon confronted him about his problem. It was after their case in New Orleans. He sat in the bar listening to Ethan play. Gideon sat down to the right of Reid._

"_How'd you find me?" Reid asked, not at all surprised._

"_You're not all that hard to profile," Gideon replied casually. He focused his gaze on Ethan. "Your friend is good," Gideon said with a smile._

_Reid simply nodded. The two sat in silence for a few seconds. Reid could feel the tension in the air. He knew why Gideon was there. At first he was a bit scared when Gideon showed up for obvious reasons. He was then embarrassed for thinking he could hide his addiction from an experienced profiler._

_Reid swallowed the apprehension in his throat and spoke. There was no sense hiding anything anymore. "I missed that plane on purpose," he confessed._

_Gideon briefly looked at the young profiler then resumed his attention on Ethan. "I know," he said. Oddly it was not the reaction Reid expected. Gideon held no hint of anger or disappointment in his voice. It was as though he understood._

_Reid took that as a sign he could trust his mentor. This was the man who gave him the chance with the BAU. He was the one who was there by his side anytime he needed guidance. Reid owed it to him to trust him with something this big._

"_I'm struggling," Reid confessed. He had no need to mention with what he was struggling. As Ethan pointed out earlier that day, there was no way the other members of his team were oblivious to his problem._

_Gideon gave him a look of sympathy. "Well, anybody who's been through what you've been through recently would," he said kindly._

_Reid felt safe and as though he could confess his feelings freely without any sort of judgment. He needed someone to talk to. "This is all I was groomed for. I never even…never even considered another option." Reid felt better after speaking those fears out loud._

_Gideon only smiled. "Now you're questioning whether or not you're strong enough to be here," he said. Reid took comfort in those words. It felt as though Gideon knew where he was coming from. He had felt those same feelings._

"_Yeah," Reid replied._

_Gideon responded, "I have been playing at this job, in one way or another, for almost thirty years. I've felt lost. I've felt great. I have felt scared…sick…insane." Reid merely listened as Gideon explained those same vulnerabilities Reid was feeling at that very moment. "I don't know." He paused. "I guess the day this job stops gnawing at your soul…hands…hands stop feeling cold." He looked Reid in the eyes. "Maybe that's the time to leave."_

"_I guess I just needed to try to figure out if I could step away from this job," Reid said not making eye contact with his mentor._

"_And?" Gideon asked, already knowing the answer._

_Reid looked at him with sincere eyes. "I'll never miss another plane again," he answered. The sincerity in the boy's eyes was overwhelming. Gideon smiled. He had been in a similar situation before and made the very same decision._

_The two sat in silence for a while. The music proved to be a soothing melody that washed away the horrors of the past few days._

_Reid twitched. "What if I can't do it by myself?" he asked, afraid to look Gideon in the eyes._

_Gideon smiled. Though not looking Reid could feel the man's smile. "I'll be here for you," he said tapping the armrest. "Anytime you need me, I'm only a phonecall away."_

_Reid looked up at the smiling man. It gave him enough comfort to smile himself. At that moment he knew he could trust Gideon's word._

That night Reid promised he would stop and Gideon promised he would be there to help him through the ordeal. He assured him that anytime he needed help he was only a call away.

Reid's eyes shot open. He lifted his aching body from the floor and stumbled over to the phone. He pressed the third number on speed dial. He waited impatiently for the man on the other line to pick up.

The first ring ended with no response. _He lied. He promised he'd be there for me if I ever needed him. He's not going to pick up._ The line rang a second time. He's _just like my father, he's not there for me when I need him._ The line rang a third time. _I don't know what I'm doing. He can't help me. I'm stupid for even thinking he can. _The fourth ring. _I can't stop. I just can't. I never will. I shouldn't burden him with this._ The fifth ring. At this point Reid wanted to scream. He wanted to silence the doubts for good. He had to be stronger. He needed help. But he could not do it alone. _Gideon, please. I need your help. Please, I can't stop, I need your help right now._

"Hello…Spencer," the voice on the other line spoke.

Reid let out a sob. He fell to his knees shaking, barely able to hold the phone.

"Spencer, what's wrong?" Gideon asked, hearing the boy he considered a second son crying.

"I can't do this on my own anymore," Reid wept. "Please, Gideon. I need your help."

"Spencer," he said softly. "Calm down. What happened?"

"Please, it's too much for me to bear by myself. Please help me. I—I can't stop," Reid cried. The tears were now pouring.

"I'll be right there," Gideon said, immediately knowing what Reid was speaking of. "Please just hold on a little bit longer. I'll help you through this, just hang on."

"I will," Reid said, sniffling. "Thank you."

"Anytime," Gideon said before hanging up.

Reid dropped the phone and pulled his knees up under his chin. No doubt Gideon would be disappointed with his lying and usage, but Gideon was the only one Reid could trust to help him. Gideon gave his word and would never go back on it.

"I'm going to be okay," Reid said to himself. Fresh tears relined his cheek. "I'm going to be okay," he repeated. "Thank you," he whispered.

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><p>Thank you for reading. I hope you all enjoyed. Hopefully it wasn't too drawn out or redundant. Please let me know what you think.<p>

If enough people like this I might do a second chapter.


	2. Never Alone

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

WARNING: If you are triggered by suicidal images then please do not read any further.

Other Warnings: This story contains disturbing material, some horror towards the beginning, mention of drug usage, suicidal thoughts/images, and brief violence.

Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. All the feeback is much appreciated.

Luvnumb3rs: Thanks for the review and giving me the idea for a second chapter. Yeah, an addiction, especially with other factors in Reid's life, would be difficult to get over, especially that quickly.

nw21jcc: Thank you for reviewing and requesting a second chapter. Hope you enjoy!

SpiderKateCriminalMind: Thanks for reviewing. I agree, there should be more "Revelation", Reid-centric stories. Hope you enjoy the new chapter.

T-Bone14: Thanks for the review. Bad things are always happening to Reid. Poor guy.

Bonkers4Reid: Thanks for the review and the feeback on the details. I'm glad you enjoyed the first chapter and hope you like the second just as much!

Harrypotter-PercyJackson: Thank you very much.

Leavinghome: Thanks for the review. There is more Reid suffering in this chapter. I agree, it would've been nice to see more on Reid's recovery. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the last.

Dragon-Ruler of My Domain: Thanks for the review. Yes, there should be more on his recovery. I'm surprised he didn't relapse because of some of the stuff that happened after he started using, especially in episodes like "Elephant's Memory." Reid's addiction was a good subplot they should've continued with. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

On with the story!

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><p>Five minutes passed feeling like an hour. The clock attached to the wall sent a throbbing pain through Reid's head with each tick. The pain showed no sign of easing up. Reid closed his eyes if merely to alleviate the constant stinging. His breathing increased and clutched his stomach with his hands. He rolled over, yelping in agony.<p>

His eyes met with the numbered face. Each move of the second hand taunted him. Reid mashed his clenched fists against his ears with eyes shut tight.

_He promised. He lied. He's not coming._

Reid tossed his head. Behind the lids he saw himself standing in a darkened church. The only light cascading from a conveniently placed hole in the ceiling illuminated a shiny casket just behind the altar. Reid slowly made his way to the coffin. The lid popped open and the disfigured face of the recent victim stared at him. Her name was Michelle Mathias, a popular, high school junior excelling in all her classes. The eye that was still recognizable as said organ leaked clear fluid.

Reid gulped and tried to escape. He fell into the seat of the front pew. He tried to move his hands only to find them shackled to the seat. He looked up to see the weeping corpse reaching out for him. Reid whimpered. The pain pushed further into his skull emitting a scream. The teenage girl tilted her head to the side. Her bloody fingers touched Reid's skin. He shook his head trying to keep his eyes from meeting hers. As though caught in a trance he found himself staring at her deformed face.

What once were her lips parted spilling blood onto her pink blouse. Reid struggled in his restraints. The chain links clanked against one another. No amount of writhing released the hold.

"You didn't save me," the girl spoke.

Reid shook his head. He could see behind her pale, transparent, green eye.

"Please, believe me, I tried," Reid cried. "I tried. I really tri—"

"You should've noticed a pattern sooner," she said. "I was going to go to college you know."

"Please, stop it," Reid begged. If only he could move his hands to his ears to block out the sounds.

"You knew something was wrong with that man," Michelle stated. Though they lacked life, her eyes displayed hurt and betrayal.

"We caught him," Reid responded. "My team, we—" He looked up at her with tearstained cheeks. "I wanted you to rest in peace."

Reid shivered and opened his eyes. He ran a hand over his sweating forehead. _It was only a dream._ It was the same since the day of the case. The ghosts of those they were too late to save haunted his thoughts and dreams. Their faces seeped into his unconscious and waited for him to let his guard down to emerge and begin the torment. It was a torture for which dilaudid was the only cure.

When he was tweaking the memories increased. He only wanted to shut them away. The physical strain he could take, it was the faces of the dead he needed to lock away in the depths of his mind. The drug imprisoned them in a realm where they could not be released until the effect wore off. It had been almost a day. The nightmares would continue. Even now he struggled to rid himself of Michelle' face. If he were just allowed one more hit.

_No. No. Gideon's coming. He's going to help me through this._

Reid glanced up at the clock. Only six minutes had passed since he dozed off. He clutched the phone in his grip and looked up his call records. Fifteen minutes. It had been fifteen minutes since he hung up with his mentor. It only took that amount to travel from Gideon's residency to Reid's apartment.

_He's not coming. He lied. He can't help me._

Reid tossed his phone against the wall and watched as it shattered. The battery fell out and the screen was now cracked. Reid rested his head in his hands. The tears mixed with the blood. A trail of crimson lined the carpet. The place resembled one of the murder scenes he frequented.

_The nightmares will never end. I cannot remove them. Dilaudid is stealing my soul_. He eyed his messenger bag. What he wanted was usually housed in that bag. Now he was out and he had to suffer the faces of the dead until he found another hit. So often he snuck the vials and needle on the plane and to his workplace.

The others never noticed his visits to the bathroom. He feared what would have happened had any of them caught him. Morgan would have comforted him and force him to seek help in return for his silence. Hotch would likely fire him on the spot. Then there was Gideon. Gideon, the man he saw as a father. He hated to disappoint him. He regretted seeing that look of guilt that he could not do enough for his protégé.

Reid realized that if Gideon did show, which he doubted, he would look at him with those same eyes. The disappointment would radiate from the man who cared for him the most. Reid could not bear to see that look in his eyes again.

_It_ _won't end. I keep hurting everyone. It's not fair to them. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't even want to..._ He opened his eyes and for the first time since he began using everything made sense to him. _I cannot make them suffer anymore because of me. I just want the pain to end. _There was a way to send the shadows away—forever.

Reid hobbled over to the table. Beside his bag sat his badge and handgun. He picked up the revolver and stroked its cool edges. Reid held the gun by his side and made his way back over to the door. He stared himself in the mirror. The poor excuse for a man, a useless member of the team glared back at him. He never loathed anyone more than his own soul. He realized he would never be able to end the pain that consumed him daily. Reid was aware of the statistics of what became of junkies. So many of the ones he witnessed during his line of work and in his own personal life were never able to overcome their sickness so how could he.

Reid smiled. "You were wrong, Tobias," he said to himself. He chuckled then inhaled in time for a sob. A new tear trickled down his face. He wiped it away with the side of the gun. He smiled at the loathsome reflection. "There is another way to deal with it."

Reid straightened his posture. His hand shook as he checked the magazine. It was loaded as he was instructed. Hotch told him that an agent must always be prepared.

Reid stared into the grief-stricken eyes of his reflection. He shut the rounds and steadied his finger behind the trigger. He was not a perfect shot but even he could not miss this monster. He placed the barrel against his right temple. The man staring back at him had nothing to say in his defense. It was the perfect justice. The pain and all the nightmares would end. Reid placed his finger firmly against the trigger. All that mattered now is if he had the guts to be a man and pull.

_I don't want to live any longer._

He refused to shut his eyes. He wanted to see the death. With one quick breath Reid slightly moved his finger.

"Spencer!" he heard from the outside of his door followed by a rhythmic rapping.

Reid gasped and dropped the gun. He contemplated leaving it there. He shook his head and clicked on the safety before tossing the revolver over on the table.

"Spencer, open up!" the concerned voice shouted.

Reid stepped up to the door and hesitated. His hand hovered over the handle.

"Spencer!" Gideon cried. "Open up or I'll break down the door."

Spencer winced. His superior was perfectly capable of fulfilling his threat. He unlocked the door and slowly opened it to reveal his mentor staring with the epitome of concern on his features.

Gideon did not wait to be invited in. The first thing he noticed, other than Reid's hesitation to give him access to his house, was the disheveled appearance of the boy. He took in Reid's appearance and fought the urge to call an ambulance. He looked as though he had been crying. Gideon had seen that look many times in his career, an agent struggling with his own sanity. He skimmed the room to see it in just much despair as its owner. Still it was the blood that disturbed him.

Gideon returned his gaze to the boy to find the origin of the leak. His eyes widened at the sight of the color he rarely saw upon the young agent's frame. He snatched Reid's wrist to inspect the injury.

"What happened to your hand?" Gideon asked. His eyes met with Reid's.

Reid tried to pull his hand away, but the older man was not having it. Reid finally conceded. "It was an accident," he said silently.

"There's a hunk of glass in here," Gideon said ushering Reid to the couch.

He left Reid sitting alone as he passed into the bathroom. Flicking on the light switch Gideon stared in shock at the disarray before him. A bloody handprint stained the sink and several other traces of blood were seen on the floors. Gideon would question the boy about it later, for now there were more important matters at hand. He searched until he found the bottle of antiseptic, a clean washcloth, and some bandages.

Gideon sat down beside the boy and grabbed his hand. "Sit still, this might hurt," Gideon said kindly.

Reid looked up at him. It had been over a decade since he heard anyone speak to him in that voice. His mother used to say similar words while cleaning a cut or bandaging a wound. That was before the tables turned and he became the caretaker.

Reid winced as Gideon pulled the sliver from his palm. He figured a smaller piece broke off when the glass sliced him earlier. Gideon quickly cleaned the wound and dressed it as gently as possible.

"This is a serious injury," Gideon said making direct eye contact with Reid. "I can drive you to the hospital."

Reid shook his head. "No, I got most of it."

"There could still be fragments deeper in the skin,' Gideon argued.

Reid stood his ground. He knew what the doctors would do if they found the track marks or traces of dilaudid in his bloodstream. The news would reach the BAU and possibly even higher ranks within the FBI. It was not a risk he was willing to take for something he considered to be minor. If it worsened in a few days he would seek medical attention.

"No, I don't want to go to a hospital," Reid stated.

Gideon conceeded. "Very well." Reid could tell there was more. "It's just too severe of a wound to be cast aside as a simple accident.

Reid snapped, "It was an accident." He noticed the suspicion on Gideon's face. "You—you don't think I did this on purpose?"

Gideon lifted a hand. "I didn't say anything, Reid. I can just see that you look like someone who is ready to throw it all away."

Read diverted eye contact. He berated himself for believing he could hide anything from Gideon.

"I'm here for you, Spencer," Gideon spoke. "You look horrible. You want to tell me what's going on?"

Reid shifted. There was no reason for him to hide anything anymore. He was the one who called Gideon over. "I just—I don't feel like I can take it anymore."

Gideon said not a word. He merely nodded for Reid to open up further.

"I just—I can't…" Reid trailed off. He already worried his friend. He dreaded seeing the disappointment in addition. He looked up, tears welling at the bottom of eyes. "Please don't be angry with me, Gideon."

"I won't be angry," Gideon promised.

Reid looked down at his feet. He could not bear to see Gideon's face when telling him the news. "I've—I—" He could not form the words. A gentle smile from the other gave him the courage he needed. He immediately regretted looking up. "I haven't been honest with you." Reid swallowed a forming sob. "About—I've been, um, I—I've been using again."

Gideon sighed, but spoke not a word. Reid glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes. The man looked a bit sad, but not at all surprised.

"How often?" Gideon asked.

Reid tore his gaze from Gideon. "Every other day, more or less."

Gideon inhaled sharply.

Reid pulled his gaze from Gideon. "You're angry?"

Gideon shook his head. "No, I'm not angry. Disappointed, confused, concerned, scared, hurt, yes, but not angry."

Reid mentally cursed himself. He would rather Gideon be infuriated with him than any of those emotions listed.

"When was the last time you used?" Gideon asked.

"Yesterday," Reid answered in a hushed voice.

The look on Gideon's face hurt him.

"I'm sorry," Reid said. "Let's not talk about this."

"No!" Gideon yelled. "We _are_ going to talk about this. We should've talked about this a long time ago. You asked for my help and that's what I'm going to do." His eyes softened. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I just wish I noticed sooner, or you told me.

"This is my fault, not yours," said Reid. "Don't blame yourself."

Gideon pulled Reid into an embrace. Reid was hesitant at first, but eventually gave into the comfort he so longed for. Reid snuggled his face against Gideon's chest. Gideon smiled at the younger man. The sight reminded him of when his own son would run to him for comfort before Gideon's job and the divorce forced them to grow apart.

"I just wish you would let me know when you're feeling this way so I can help you," Gideon stated. He hated seeing someone he loved so dearly in such pain.

Reid replied, "What if it's too late?"

Gideon tightened his hold on the boy. "It's never too late, Reid." He paused to make sure Reid was listening. "If you want help all you have to do is ask." He pushed a stray hair from Reid's sweating forehead. "Tell me, what brought this on tonight?"

Reid sniffled. "Michelle Mathias," he said.

"The last victim of that case?" Gideon asked.

Reid nodded. "I keep seeing her face. I can't even sleep without her there."

"So you shoot up to get rid of her memory?"

Reid nodded again. "I keep seeing them. I just want to forget. If just for a while."

"Spencer," Gideon said in a kind voice. "Listen to me carefully. There was nothing you could do."

Reid pulled himself from Gideon's embrace. "But if I tried harder, if I noticed the pattern sooner," Reid retorted.

Gideon shook his head. "Spencer, none of us noticed it. We're all equally at fault there." He watched Reid tremble, but the boy needed to hear his words. "Her death was not your doing. It was Fuller who killed her. You saved another girl. Jackie would've ended up just like her if you didn't figure out the unsub's way of finding these victims. That was a victory." He looked Reid in the eyes. "There are things you learn in this field and things you need to know up front. This is one of them: we can't dwell on what ifs. It's too painful. You're always going to remember the ones we lost. They become a part of us. They help us remember why we protect the innocent, why we have to keep going." He wiped a falling tear from Reid's face. "But just remember, you don't have to suffer alone."

"Thanks," Reid said after letting the words digest. "But it's still difficult."

"I know," Gideon replied. "Anytime you want to talk, I'll listen. If I'm not available you can talk to anyone else on the team. If you want you can go to therapy once or twice a week, or meetings. Just please don't turn to drugs."

Reid stayed silent for a few beats. Finally he spoke his fears, "I don't know if I can stop."

Gideon placed a hand atop Reid's shoulder. "Then I will help you." He stood, helping Reid to his feet. "I think for now it's best that you're not alone. You should come stay at my house for at least a month where I can keep an eye on you. The first month is going to be the toughest, but I will be by your side the whole time." Gideon smiled knowing that Reid would be more hesitant to use if always in the presence of another. Besides he knew that Reid would not betray their friendship by bringing drugs into Gideon's home. "But I won't force you."

Reid looked up at him with determined eyes. "I want to stop. Please help me."

Gideon nodded. It would take some time, but he would do his best to make sure Spencer, his son, made it through.

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><p>Hope you all enjoyed!<p>

Update 7/28: This story was intended to be only two chapters long, but several of you have asked for a third chapter. I don't know if there will be one, because I don't want this story to grow old and stale, as well as not sure what should happen next. If you have any ideas of what could happen in a possible third chapter, please leave it in a review. Thanks.


	3. A New Location

Disclaimer: I still don't own Criminal Minds or Reid. :(

A lot of you asked for a third chapter, so I decided to make this a multiple-chapter story. I think there will probably be five or six chapters total. Hope you enjoy.

Thank you to everyone who has read and a special thanks to those who reviewed.

Luvnumb3rs: Thank you!

Pipinheart: Thanks for reviewing. They do have that relationship and there will be more of that in this chapter.

WynonaRose: Thanks for the review. Poor Reid. Don't worry he won't have to suffer alone anymore, at least not in this story.

T-Bone14: Thank you. I hope this chapter is as exciting as you hoped!

Cat87: Thank you and thanks for the request of a third chapter. I hope you enjoy.

Walkersystem: Thanks. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Bonkers 4 Reid: Thanks for reviewing. Thanks for the idea of a third chapter. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter with all the Reid angst. I hope you enjoy this one.

Leavinghome: Thank you for your review. There will be more drama and angst to come. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

KK: Thanks for the review and the ideas for a third chapter. I used some of your ideas in this chapter. I hope you enjoy.

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><p>Gideon carefully watched Reid pack. He instructed to pick up each item individually. His eyes followed the boy's every moment to be certain nothing extra was brought along. Gideon was aware of Reid's mastery with sleight-of-hand tricks which caused him to keep an extra eye on Reid's fingers. The older profiler wanted to believe that Reid would not betray his trust, but he had seen too many cases with addicts to know cravings could crush their honesty.<p>

Gideon pulled out his cell phone from his pocket. The memory of Reid recounting what happened to his phone surfaced. Gideon felt relieved that Reid took out his frustrations on the phone rather than his own person. One gaping wound was enough for the moment.

The elder profiler pressed the first number on speed dial. The line rang twice before a male voice answered.

"Hotch, it's Gideon," he said.

"Gideon, is everything alright?" Hotch asked in his usual serious tone.

"It's Reid?" Gideon revealed.

"Reid? Is he hurt?" Hotch asked.

Gideon paused for a second, much to the displeasure of the other agent. He contemplated telling Hotch about Reid's injuries. Still Gideon felt if he kept the cut clean then Reid would not require any medical attention.

"Gideon!" Hotch called.

Gideon returned his attention to the phone. "I'm sorry, Hotch," he replied. "No, I took care of the physical injuries." He paused to let Hotch have a moment to release a sigh of relief. His tone then became grave. He turned to see Spencer placing a few last items in the bag. He himself witnessed Reid pick them up. "Hotch," Gideon whispered. "He's relapsed and is going through serious withdraws."

He heard Hotch mutter a curse. As if watching Hotch think he knew the other profiler was about to speak. "What do you plan on doing?"

Gideon slightly smiled. Hotch knew him too well. "If it's no trouble I plan on taking him to my cabin for a couple of weeks to a month. As long as you can afford us gone." He paused then added, "He needs to get away from the stressors."

Hotch thought it over carefully. "Do you think you alone can handle him?"

Gideon muffled a chuckle. "Don't worry, I'll keep a close eye on him."

"Keep both eyes on him," Hotch ordered.

"I'll take good care of him," Gideon stated. He paused for a few seconds then added, "Thanks, Hotch."

Hotch accepted the gratitude. The two said a quick farewell then Gideon hung up to see Reid's eyes on him.

Reid zipped the bag and slung it over his shoulder. The damp hairs clung to his face. Gideon suggested that Reid take a shower before they left. He was now dressed in clean khaki pants and a button-down purple shirt. All traces of the blood were gone minus the sterile bandage wrapped about the wound.

"Are you sure this is the right thing?" Reid timidly asked.

Gideon replied with a nod. He placed a hand on Reid's shoulder and led him to the door. The younger agent turned to face the older one with he doubts still present on his face.

"Spencer," Gideon said softly. "We're going to get through this together, but you're going to have to trust me."

Reid nodded. Though it would not be fun to lose his freedoms, he truly wanted to recover and knew in the depth of his heart that Gideon would only do what he felt best benefitted his protégé.

Reid placed the bag in the backseat before sitting in the passenger seat of the SUV. Gideon buckled up, Reid following his lead. The older profiler drove off into the starless night. The sounds of big band music softly filled the automobile. Reid's eyes shifted around, obviously shaking. He hated the silence. It reminded him too much of the bus rides home when his schoolmates were concocting a plot to humiliate the child genius.

Gideon took repeated glances at Reid to see him sitting with his hands folded in his lap while looking out the window. Instead of a competent profiler of the FBI he resembled a shaken teenager. Reid appeared to be shivering, whether it was a side-effect of the drugs or nerves Gideon was unsure, either way it hurt him to see Reid distressed.

He considered speaking comforting words to the younger man, perhaps offer a door for Reid to open up a bit further, but decided to let the silence envelop him for the time being. When Reid felt like talking he would.

Reid nearly gasped when they passed the road that led to Gideon's house. Reid placed on hand on the door and the other on the seat divider. He glanced at Gideon then back in the direction of the missed street.

"Gideon, we passed—" Reid began.

Gideon cut him off. "We're not going to my house."

"But, but I thought—" Reid stuttered.

Gideon shook his head. "No, we're going to my cabin. It's a good ways away from here."

"Why?" Reid asked settling back in the seat. Despite the confusion he felt better knowing their destination.

Gideon smiled at the boy. "I thought it's best that you get a change of scenery." Reid looked down at his lap. Gideon bit the inside of his mouth. He placed a comforting hand on Reid's shoulder. "Son, don't worry, this will do you some good."

Reid nodded. Even if he disagreed it would do him no good to argue. The second he agreed to Gideon's solution he gave up all rights to making decisions. He now had no choice but trust that Gideon knew what he was doing.

_What do you care? You're just a worthless junkie._

Reid shut his eyes in a futile attempt to shush the negative thoughts. At the meetings the person running the group told them they had to stop blaming themselves for their addictions. They were instructed to see the good in themselves if merely to raise their own self-esteem. The optimistic woman had good intentions, but Reid felt that the drugs stole too much of their joy for them to have access to their positive traits.

An hour passed and Reid found himself on that familiar road. He had been invited to Gideon's cabin once before, a few months after he joined the BAU. The entire team was there for a weekend of celebration. Morgan was the one who picked him up and drove him to the remote location. The isolation is what Gideon enjoyed most about his vacation spot. Reid came to understand that day after day of seeing the worst of humanity a person needed a few days in solitude to regain their sanity. Now he was headed there a second time, only this time for less joyous occasions.

Reid almost dozed off a time or two. He jerked himself awake so as not to force Gideon to have to carry him inside when they reached their destination. The lack of light from the night sky made it difficult to stay awake. The combination of having no food in his stomach and having lost a good amount of blood was quickly diminishing his already low supply of strength.

At long last they reached the entrance to the woods. Gideon switched on the four-wheel drive and steered the vehicle to the remote location.

The second Gideon shut off the engine Reid's body was engulfed in chills. He wrapped his arms around his shaking arms. Gideon grabbed Reid's bag and beckoned for the latter to follow him. Reid remained a good three paces behind his mentor.

He still felt somewhat ashamed that it had to come to this. What was worse is that he heard Gideon greet Hotch on the phone earlier. He chose to tune out the rest of the conversation, too embarrassed that Hotchner was aware of his struggles. The genius knew that it was his own pride talking and that Hotch would not take any actions against him. He was well aware that the rest of the team only desired a full recovery. However it still made his cheeks redden at the thought of Hotch informing the other three the reason of both his and Gideon's absence.

Gideon switched on the lights, temporarily blinding Reid. The young doctor shielded his eyes as he made his way inside. Taking three steps into the interior his lets gave out on him. Gideon dropped the bag in time to catch a falling Spencer. He half carried, half dragged Reid to a chair. He slumped him in the kitchen chair. Reid leaned forward, resting his head on the table's surface.

"Spencer, are you okay, do you need an ambulance?" Gideon shouted.

Reid shook his head, immediately regretting that action. He grasped at his spinning head.

"I feel weak," Reid whispered.

Gideon filled a glass with water. He quickly handed it over to Reid. Reid's unstable hand caused the drink to spill on his shirt.

"I'm sorry," Reid muttered. He attempted to stand in order to assist with cleaning the mess, but Gideon would not have it. He pushed Reid back in the chair.

Gideon wiped away the puddle dripping from the table. "There's no need to apologize, Spencer, it's just an accident."

"I'm sorry," Reid repeated despite Gideon's recent words.

Gideon threw the towel in the sink then looked at Reid with concern apparent. "When was the last time you've eaten?"

Reid shrugged. "This afternoon," he answered at last. He wiped sweat from his forehead. "But I haven't been able to keep anything down." He leaned against the back of the chair. He closed his eyes willing away the intense heat building up in his body. He whispered, "I lost a lot of blood."

Gideon sighed. He was now grateful that Reid had called him. The boy would have let the wound bleed all night. He dreaded to think that Reid would go out in that state in order to score dilaudid.

"Do you think you'd be able to keep some soup down?" Gideon asked.

Reid shook his head without opening his eyes. "Not hungry," Reid grumbled. "I just want to sleep."

"Not until you get something on your stomach," Gideon countered.

Reid opened his eyes to stare at the man who was already filling a pot with water. He sighed, fully aware that Gideon would not allow him to argue.

An hour later Reid found himself lying in an unfamiliar bed in the spare bedroom. As he stated he was not hungry, but ate half the bowl in order to appease Gideon. Gideon had hoped Reid would consume more of the soup, but was glad to see that his stomach could handle the little bit.

Reid stared up at the wooden ceiling. As their job took them to a different city, state, even country every few days Reid became accustomed to sleeping in unfamiliar locations. However the current circumstances kept him from falling into slumber. He knew he would be in this house for the next few weeks, perhaps even a month. Gideon assured him before saying good night that this was all for the best.

He was grateful for what Gideon was doing for him, still there was something that felt odd. The genius was not used to having people take care of him. When he was a child he had to be the one to look after his mother and keep the house running smoothly. His father abandoned him without so much as a phone call to see if the family was doing alright without him. Reid still resented the man who left his family each day. Everytime he thought of his mother alone in the hospital his loathing for his father intensified. The man did not deserve the title of father.

Reid turned over on his side, wrapping the blanket about his shivering form. He knew in a few hours he would wake in a sweat and push all the covers to the floor, but for now he desired their comfort.

Light snoring sounded from the next room. Reid rested his head against the soft pillow. Gideon had gone out of his way to offer the kid shelter and protection. Gideon vowed to keep him safe. Reid snuggled deeper beneath the quilt. For the first time since he was five Reid understood what it was like to have someone looking out for him.

Reid shut his eyes. He needed his rest before the pain started up again. Both he and Gideon knew the process ahead of them was not going to be easy. Still Reid trusted that Gideon would keep his word. He only hoped he could restrain himself against the cravings. He feared what would happen were he not to clean up, but feared even worse that he lacked the strength necessary. Where he failed that's where Gideon promised to assist.

It gave the young doctor comfort to know that with Gideon—the only one deserving to be called father—on his side he could overcome these demons. The warming thought lulled him to sleep.

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><p>There you have it. There's not much action or angst in this one, but don't worry there will plenty to come. Hopefully this chapter wasn't too boring. Please let me know what you think.<p>

Hope you enjoyed!

Additional notes:

1) I have the big events of this story planned out, but if you have any ideas of what you'd like to happen in the upcoming chapters please let me know via a review. All ideas are welcome except slash. This story is purely parental, no slash.

2) I can't remember the layout of Gideon's cabin, so I took some liberties as far as that is concerned. If anything seems incorrect, please let me know.

3) As for Reid becoming weak because of little food and loss of blood, that actually happened to me once. I was unaware that eating only a sandwich before giving a pint of blood was not a good idea. I nearly passed out and the assistant had to bring me a soda which I spilled on myself as Reid did with the water in this chapter. Of course I don't remember it happening, it felt like an out-of-body experience, but someone who was with me filled me in on all the details. I was then instructed to eat a big meal before coming to the next blood drive. :P

Thanks for reading. Until next time.


	4. The First Step

Disclaimer: I still don't own Criminal Minds.

Warnings: Drug usage, slight violence, horror, and angst.

Wow, this is the quickest I've ever updated a story. Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter.

Reid is my Lover lol: Thank you so much. I'm glad you're enjoying the story. Much angst to come.

Bonkers 4 Reid: Thank you so much for the review. Thanks for pointing out the errors so they can be fixed. I'm glad you're enjoying the story thus far and hope you enjoy this chapter.

nw21jcc: Thanks for the review. There's a new plotline for this story and will have plenty more chapters to come.

BrokenSky49: Thank you for reviewing.

Leavinghome: Thanks for the review. Oh yes, there will be some fluff in this chapter too. I love fluff too much!

Fairytopia: Thank you very much. I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

Harrypotter-PercyJackson: Thanks for the review. I'll try to update this one regularly.

Lovedrreid: Thank you for the review. Yes, poor Reid has to go through so much. There is more Reid suffering, but also some comfort in this chapter.

I hope you all enjoy chapter 4!

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><p>Reid shot out of bed with a start. He clamped a hand over his heart as he slowly realized where he was. His staccato breathing gradually returned to normal. He ran a hand through his sweating hair. Reid lifted his knees and hunched over so that his arms were resting on them. The comforter lay on the floor while the thin sheets clung to his sweating form. He gripped at his throbbing head.<p>

The memories of the nightmare pulsated through his brain. The images felt too real. Usually there was only one way Reid could erase them, but in the new location that luxury was not available.

_He dreamt that he was running through the woods trying to escape Gideon in order to purchase the drug his body craved. Even in his sleep he was aware of the promise he made to Gideon that he would not use in his house. Reid had no intentions of breaking his word, as the simple truth came to him that he made no oath concerning usage outside the cabin. _

_The boy genius kept looking behind him for the shadow of the larger man ready to grab him and carry him kicking and screaming back to the haven. Reid knew what the drug was doing to him, he knew how it would ultimately kill him, but none of those facts mattered at the moment. He had to alleviate the pain and more importantly, the memories of his failures. The ghosts of those he had been unable to save who would haunt him until his dying day. _

_Reid tripped over a tree root and fell face forward in the mud._

_He lifted his head to hear what he thought was laughter. He expected to see Gideon laughing at him for his failed attempt to escape. The boy genius rose to his feet, his clothes now stained with grass and mud. Reid searched the nearby trees to see them void of any life forms. Reid swallowed then felt a frozen presence behind him. He slowly turned his head to come face to face with Michelle Mathias._

_The teenage corpse reached out her arms and cupped her rotting hands about his face. Reid tried to shake her away to no avail. Her nails inserted themselves into his flesh. The pain was not as intense as he imagined. She sneered at him._

"_Please, what do you want?" Reid weakly begged._

"_You're a pathetic excuse for a human being, no better than that bastard who stole my life," she said through narrowed eyes. "You were too messed up on your precious narcotics to stop my killer."_

"_Please, no, I didn't—I wasn't on them during the case, not—not 'til after," Reid pleaded._

"_Never trust an addict," Michelle growled._

_Reid's eyes welled with tears. "Please, don't. I'm sorry," he said as a tear fell._

_The sound of dry laughter sounded behind him. "You're weak, you always were weak." _

_Reid turned his head to find the face he never wanted to see again staring back at him with contempt. Reid tried to speak only to find that he lost all ability to produce words._

"_A weakling, that's all you are," the man said as he stepped forward. Reid moved back to discover Michelle had vanished. He returned his eyes to the previous unsub before him. Though he had the body of a young man who would never willing harm another, Reid could tell from the man's eyes it was Charles who was in control. "You're pathetic," Charles spat. He reared back and slapped Reid across the face. There was no pain, only noise._

_Reid fell to the ground and looked up to find another standing in the spot Charles Hankle just occupied. This man's deep brown eyes and maniacal smile drove fear into Reid's heart as he had a mere two days before. _

"_Daniel Fuller," Reid gasped._

_Reid could still recall Jackie flailing about in that man's grip as he pointed his gun at him. Reid managed to distract Fuller long enough for him to release his hold on the girl. Prentiss leapt at the opportunity and led Jackie to safety. In rage he aimed the pistol at Reid and fired. Fortunately for Reid, Morgan anticipated the man's move and tackled Reid to the ground in time. Morgan fell with him, using his hands to protect Reid's head. Both men looked up to see Hotch apprehend Fuller. The pistol lay at the unsub's shoes. The police surrounded the killer. Morgan patted Reid on the shoulder before helping him to his feet._

_That same lunatic now stood in front of Reid. He reached into his pocket. Reid started and instinctively grasped at o where his gun usually rested on his hip to find himself bereft of the weapon. He looked up at the sound of the click. Fuller grinned as he lifted the gun so that the barrel was directly in front of his target._

"_Not so tough without your buddies, are you Fed?" Fuller asked._

_Reid lifted his arms above his head. He shivered._

"_You're going to need a serious dose when I'm done with you," Fuller laughed and pulled the trigger._

_Reid felt the metal enter his body. There was no pain only a rush of cold. He fell to the ground. No blood escaped his torso. Still he could feel the blackness swallowing him._

_The familiar face of the unsub he got to know on a personal level hovered above him. This time the eyes seemed gentler._

"_Hey," he said in a soothing tone. Reid felt his sleeve being lifted. He shook his head while protesting. Tobias steadied the needle. He smiled down at his victim. "Don't worry, this will make it all better." The familiar prick Reid had come to associate with instant release stung the inside of his elbow. The cool liquid was injected. Reid leaned his head back while the feeling of air and nothingness overtook his body._

_Above him he could see the faces of Michelle Mathias and Charles Hankle glaring down at him._

"_Just as I said, he's weak," Charles growled._

"_Just another junkie," Michelle added. "A worthless nobody who let his addiction cause the death of future victims."_

"_No, that's not true," Reid whispered as he shook his head. "I wasn't high on the case."_

"_But you wanted it," Michelle shouted. Her glare pierced Reid's heart. "It occupied your thoughts when you should've been thinking about me."_

"_I just wanted that image of you to go away," Reid retorted._

_Michelle scoffed. "I will never go away," she revealed. "I'll always be here to remind you of your failings." Her cold eyes burned into him. "It''s what a worthless scum like you deserves."_

_The black slowly wrapped itself around him like a python crushing its prey. Reid could see, hear, nor feel nothing but the scolding of his own guilt that was set forever on repeat. He could never escape their eyes. Their faces would be his death._

Those images threatened to haunt him each day until he was blessed with death. He grasped his arms around himself. The same intense thought that possessed him mere hours ago threatened him again. Reid glanced around the room for any jagged edge that could end his suffering. He almost laughed at the irony when he found none. Although there was no confession to suggest it, Gideon feared that Reid's wounds were self-inflicted and made sure to the best of his abilities that no objects that would threaten his son's life were present in the cabin. Reid wished that Gideon would have agreed to let him pack his gun. The older profiler stated that this month would be lived without any weapons.

Reid tossed the blankets off of him. He stood, his bare feet scuffing against the wood planks. He was clad in blue cotton pajamas. The chilled sweat tempted him to remove at least the shirt. To avoid questioning the youngest profiler decided against it. Reid crossed his arms in an attempt to halt the quivering. The shivers became a frequent symptom of late.

Reid walked out into the main area. It was large with little furniture. It felt nice to be away from the constraints of society, but Reid was already tired of this living arrangement. Gideon informed him before they both retired for the night that he expected Reid to attend meetings in the town each day. Gideon even offered to accompany Reid for support. In the back of his mind Reid wondered if the elder profiler wanted to go only to make sure he was sincere about these programs.

The young profiler stood directly in front of the door. It was the only entrance and exit to the house (minus the inside of the windows). Reid hushed his breathing to listen for any sign that Gideon might be awake. The statistics were in his favor, but the genius who based his knowledge around scientific findings knew that sometimes a little investigation was in order when making a risky decision.

Reid recalled when he was a child and overheard his classmates speak of how they had to sneak out to attend parties. Reid felt even more distant from his peers to know that he could come and go whenever he pleased without attracting his mother's curiosity, yet ironically he was never invited. For the first time in his life he felt like one of those sneaky teenagers trying to escape their parent's watchful eyes.

Reid was grateful to Gideon for taking time off and volunteering to take care of him. However he hated having his freedoms suspended because an unsub got him hooked on a deadly substance. Reid dug his fingernails into his skin for blaming Hankle for something that was his own fault. There was no one to blame but himself. If he had only listened to JJ when she suggested they stay together. But no, the tough agent had caught the suspect and went against protocol in order to capture this man. He wanted to see him put away where he could do no more harm to anyone, but because of his foolishness he was taken hostage.

Not a day since his capture did Reid not despise himself and Tobias for what he did. Reid tried to plead his case with the defense that he tried his best to persuade Tobias not to inject him with that stuff. However the prosecuter within him turned around and blamed him for splitting up with his partner in the first place thus allowing the unsub a chance to get him addicted. He grilled himself each day for not trying harder to break the cycle.

_You could have fought the urges_, his dark side chided. _If you weren't so weak you could've gotten over it by now. Don't you think Hotch, Morgan, and Gideon are disappointed in you? Gideon especially. He loves you as a son and you return that love by shooting up just 'cause you're too weak to take it. Boo hoo, poor Spencer Reid. Your team sees the same crap as you do and they don't inject themselves with narcotics. You think they don't have nightmares? But you're just looking for an excuse to use. And now you have Gideon all worried about you. Wasting his time because you're a weakling. You don't deserve someone to care for you the way he does._ Reid placed his palms against his ears. He hated when the self-loathing part of him spoke with sound knowledge. His brain refused to stop. He had to take it a notch higher. _Whatever feelings JJ had for a pathetic whelp like you are now gone. She found a real man, not some worthless junkie. Ha! You think you can take care of her, you can barely take care of yourself. _

The taunting within his own soul would not let up. He imagined it looked like an evil version of himself with a smirk ever present. Sometimes he wanted to punch it in the face only to realize moments after the thought that it was a part of him.

It had one more point to make. _And now you are taking that experienced profiler away from people who need him. Yes, people are out there being mercilessly massacred. The local authorities are begging for help. And there's Gideon, one of the best in the profession, one of the men who began the BAU, one of the ones who are needed to crack those cases. And is Gideon there to help them, Spencer? Hmm?_ Reid shook his head. The dark side of his heart laughed in his face and pointed an accusatory finger. _No, he's not. He's here in the middle of nowhere babysitting a worthless infant who can't overcome a simple addiction. _The negativity spit on its host_. You disgust me, Spencer. You're a selfish, useless being. You don't deserve to live and you definitely don't deserve Gideon's care._

"Shut up!" Reid yelled holding his hands against his ears. "Leave me alone! Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut! Up!"

Had Reid his eyes open he would have noticed the light invading the room, chasing away the shadows. Through his fingers Reid heard a voice softly calling his name. Reid turned around to see a very concerned Gideon gawking at him.

"Spencer?" Gideon asked softly. "Who are you shouting at?"

Reid lowered his arms. He looked down at the ground. "No one," he said quietly. His guilty heart reminded him again of how Gideon was away from those who really deserved his help. The urgent need to shoot up invaded him.

"Where were you going?" Gideon asked noticing that Reid's hand was hovering over the doorknob before he found him yelling at himself.

Reid remained silent for a few seconds. Gideon repeated his question with more force behind his words.

"Nowhere," Reid admitted. It was partially true. Even if he were to leave the cabin he was too unfamiliar with the land to find his way to the town, let alone a dealer. Gideon, however, was beyond familiar with the area.

Gideon stepped forward. Reid lifted his head to offer permission for Gideon to approach him. He suddenly let out a sob and clutched Gideon's tee-shirt sleeve.

"Spencer," he said placing a hand on his back.

"Please, Gideon, I—I need it right now," Reid pleaded through clenched teeth. An overwhelming pain consumed him. The images of all the ones lost and the thoughts of what other horrors could be falling upon unexpecting victims at the very moment seized his brain. Even now he hated himself for only knowing one way to push those thoughts away. His teary eyes met with Gideon's. "Please, Gideon. Please." Gideon stared at him horrified. "Please," Reid continued. "Gideon, I swear this will be my last time, just please let me use one time. Just one more time and I'm done for good."

"Spencer," Gideon said in a more forceful voice.

"I swear, never again," Reid begged. "I'm hurting. The nightmares…" he remembered the faces from his dream. "They won't stop. I have to block them out. I can't sleep."

Gideon grabbed Reid's arms and shook him twice. "Spencer Reid! Get a hold of yourself!" he yelled, shaking the boy one more time for good measure.

Reid took a few deep breaths. He merely stared at his mentor for a few seconds. "Gideon," he said weakly. Following that one word Reid broke into tears and sobs. He descended to his knees, Gideon moving along with him. "I'm so scared, Gideon," Reid confessed.

For the second time within the twenty-four hour period Gideon wrapped his arms around Reid. He leaned the boy's head against his chest and let him cry as long as he needed. Gideon shushed Spencer as he wept for his nightmares, those they could not save, the torture he had to endure with Hankle, and his lost battles with dilaudid. In that moment Gideon realized how young Reid really was. In addition he finally saw just how dependent his son was on the drug.

A few minutes later the crying slowed. His chest hurt from the heavy heaves. He pulled from Gideon's embrace and wiped away falling tears. Gideon helped Reid to his feet then hurried to the kitchen. He returned with a papertowel. Reid dried his eyes then blew his nose, promptly tossing the soiled cloth in the trash then washing his hands in the kitchen sink.

Reid turned to face Gideon. The older man did not look upset, or even disappointed with him. He still housed a look of confusion.

"Gideon," Reid said not wanting to ask. However his curiosity always got the better of him. Reid found it difficult to make eye contact. "Do you—do you think I'm weak?"

"Spencer, I would never think that about you," Gideon replied. He stepped forward and put a comforting hand on Reid's shoulder. "I've never been addicted to anything other than my work, so I don't know what you're feeling." Reid slightly smiled at those words, but the pain quickly brushed it away. Gideon added, "But let me tell you through the years I've seen so many addicts who wasted their lives away. There were the few, like you, who sought help and they were to overcome it." He gave Reid a smile. "I know you can do this, son. You're strong. And I'll be here to help you every step of the way."

Reid nodded.

Gideon's smile faded. "Now about these nightmares. Do you want to talk about it?"

Reid hesitated. He wanted to have someone to confide in. The last time he had trouble with nightmares Gideon was there to help him through it. Still he was not ready to reveal the details of that most recent one just yet.

"Not tonight," Reid said faking a yawn. "I'm kind of tired."

Gideon nodded. He led Reid back to his room. He watched as Reid covered himself up with the sheets, not bothering with the comforter just yet.

"You want it on?" Gideon asked, his hand hovering above the light switch.

"Excuse me?" Reid asked.

"Would you like the light on?" Gideon repeated.

Reid's heart skipped. Sure having a nightlight always helped him sleep better, but it worried him that his boss would discover his worst fear. A quick image of Michelle's disfigured face booted his pride out the door.

Reid nodded, "Please," he said softly.

Gideon complied and turned to leave. Before moving out of Reid's line of vision he said, "Get some sleep and if you start craving again I'm right next door."

Reid agreed. The two said good night for the second time and Gideon disappeared. Reid shut his eyes again. The ghosts remained silent for the remainder of the night.

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><p>The morning came quick. Gideon fixed a healthy breakfast for Spencer and himself. He hurried to Reid's room to wake him. Reid turned over and whined each time Gideon shook him. Gideon stifled a chuckle at how similar Spencer was to his son. Gideon threatened to fill a bucket with cold water and dump it on him if he did not wake within the next five seconds. That threat got through to the younger man. Five minutes later Reid joined Gideon at the table, fully dressed.<p>

Gideon placed a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs in front of Reid. Two pieces of toast sat at the top of the plate and a glass of orange juice waited arms-length away from him. Reid picked up the fork and prodded through the food. He was still somewhat full from the soup the night before. Reid was somewhat glad that he was at least able to keep it down.

"You're not eating," Gideon commented.

Reid shrugged. He picked up a piece of toast and tore it in two before taking a small bite. He swallowed then said, "I'm not hungry."

Those were the same words Reid used the previous night. Still it did not concern him too much, after all Reid was not usually cramming his face unless it was coffee. Unfortunately for Reid Gideon refused to serve Reid any caffeine until he showed some progress. However he was much more willing for Reid to be addicted to that stimulant rather than the narcotic he had been pushing through his veins.

"Eat up," Gideon instructed. "You have a meeting in two hours."

Reid groaned. "Please, Gideon, not today."

Gideon replied with a glare. Reid hung his head. It was that same look his mother gave him when she did not approve of something he did. Reid hated that look. He would rather face any form of punishment rather than have to see that look of disappointment on Gideon's face.

"It's for your own good," Gideon stated. "This is not a vacation." Reid expected that much. Gideon continued to speak, "On Tuesday and Friday mornings you'll have an appointment with a therapist."

Reid looked up at that statement. "I don't need therapy," he countered.

"I disagree," Gideon stated.

Reid slammed the fork down on the table. "You can't force me to see a psychiatrist."

Gideon stared down at Reid through his glasses. "Spencer, while you are in my care I'm going to do what I think is best for you." Spencer opened his mouth to protest, but a raised hand from Gideon silenced him. Gideon's face softened and he spoke in a kinder tone, "At least try it, Spencer. If after two sessions you feel it's not doing anything for you then you can quit." Reid shifted. Gideon held out his hand. "Do we have a deal?"

Reid thought about it. He had to admit that Gideon and Hotch could have taken much more drastic action against him including rehab or jail time. He was also grateful to the two that he still had his job. A part of him wondered if they had yet to fire if because they knew how much they needed him. Still his heart and brain reminded him over and over how much his team cared for him. They were much more than mere colleagues.

Reid accepted Gideon's gesture. The two shook on it.

"Now that that's settled, eat," Gideon demanded pointing to the still full plate.

Reid obediently picked up the fork and shoveled a nice sized helping of eggs into his mouth.

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><p>Gideon waited outside the building for his charge. The doors opened and a group of people walked out. Gideon realized that these group sessions included addictions of all kinds; he only hoped it would give Reid what he needed to succeed.<p>

Gideon offered to attend the meeting with Reid to which the latter was hesitant. He still was not ready to discuss the extent of his addiciton with his mentor. He feared that Gideon would view him less when he mentioned certain details that disgusted himself. Gideon respected Reid's wishes and assured him that he would be there to listen when he was ready to talk.

Three women ranging in ages stepped out the door. After them the familiar face descended the stairs. Gideon turned the ignition. Reid noticed the vehicle and hurried over to the passenger door.

"How'd it go?" Gideon asked as Reid threw on his seatbelt.

Reid shrugged. "Normal," he replied. Reid could tell Gideon was not satisfied with the answer. Reid rolled his eyes and tried again. "I didn't do much talking, but I feel I got something out of other's testimonies."

Gideon nodded. "I'm proud of you for going through with this, son." Reid looked the older man in the eyes. Gideon's smile widened. "You're on the right road to recovery."

Those words gave Spencer a reason to smile.

They drove home in silence, Reid still basking in the pride his mentor felt for him. For the first time since the team found out about his addiction he felt as though he could actually overcome the drug.

The SUV slightly shook as the tires rode over gravel. They approached the cabin to find a truck in the driveway. Reid wrinkled his nose.

"What are they doing here?" Gideon asked as he threw open the door.

Two people stepped off the porch. The female dashed down the steps with her arms wide open, heading towards Reid. The male looked at Gideon to see slight annoyance on his face. Gideon let out a sigh and nodded towards the other man. He knew it was only a matter of time before the worry caused someone to head his way. He only hoped their presence would aid in Reid's recovery.

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><p>There you have it, folks! Special points to whoever can guess who the two people are. One is a girl and the other a guy.<p>

Anyway hope you enjoyed. If you have any ideas for what should happen in future chapters, let me know. Until next time.


	5. Easing Worries

I do not own Criminal Minds or Dr. Reid. :(

Author's Note: I know it's been forever since I updated. Life keeps interrupting with my writing schedule. Also, my sister's computer broke so she needed to use mine. The good news is there is now a fifth chapter. I hope you all enjoy.

Shout outs:

Leavinghome: Thanks for reviewing. Yes, young Reid is addicted to caffeine. I'm planning on having Gideon use it as a bargaining chip to make Reid attend counseling. That might motivate him. You are correct with your guess. I hope you enjoy the new chapter.

IC 2014: Thanks for the review. You are correct with your guess.

Shortybabygirl2009: Thanks for reviewing. Your guess is correct!

Mythepoeia: Thanks for the review. There will be more trauma and angst in the next chapter. Your second guess is correct!

Bonkers 4 Reid: Thanks for your insightful review. I'm glad you enjoyed and hope you enjoy this chapter. There is more team/friendly bonding in this one.

BrokenSky49: Thanks for your review. Thank you—you're awesome. Your guess is correct!

Hitsuni: Thanks for your review. I like the father-son relationship that Gideon and Reid have. In my story I'm going to pretend that he never left, so there will be a lot of moments between them. There will be more flashbacks, Tobias hauntings, and craving in future chapters. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

SpiderKateCriminalMind: Thanks for the review. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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><p>Reid barely had time to shut the car door when a pair of arms wrapped themselves around his frail frame. The initial touch startled him, but after the shock wore off he leaned into the warmth of her touch and found him arms enveloping her in return. He welcomed the scent of her perfume.<p>

The two parted and the woman grasped her palms on either of Reid's cheeks. She stared into his face with a lovely smile.

"How are you, babycakes?" she asked.

Reid shrugged, not entirely sure how to answer that question.

"Well, I sure hope he's feeding you," she said referring to his slim form.

Reid nodded. "Yes, Garcia, he's feeding me well." He gave her a smile which wiped away all traces of worry from her face.

"Good," the blonde said, embracing the young genius a second time.

While the two of them chatted, Gideon's eyes fell on the male visitor. He had his arms crossed with a smile.

He noticed the look of annoyance on his boss's face and decided to clear the air. "Look, Gideon, when Hotch told us about the retreat it really worried us. We just wanted to make sure he was alright."

Gideon sighed. He figured it was only a matter of time before the entire team came flocking to his cabin for answers. It was like Hotch to give them a vague answer to protect Reid's privacy. Unfortunately that little information was not enough to appease Morgan and Garcia's worry.

"I thought it was in his best interest to get away for a while," Gideon replied.

Morgan nodded. "That's what Hotch told us."

The team leader glanced over at the kid and the tech analyst. Reid seemed genuinely happy in her arms. He returned his gaze to Morgan.

"Come on inside, I was about to cook for Reid," Gideon said, not having the heart to send them away on an empty stomach after they drove so far.

"Good, pretty boy needs to eat a few meals," Morgan jested as he slung an arm over Reid's shoulder. With Morgan on one side and Garcia on the other, the two guided their young friend inside the cabin.

For the moment all levels of self-loathing erased from Reid's heart. He wished his family would never leave his side.

The three piled into the living room while Gideon busied himself with preparing the evening meal. Reid slightly shivered which went noticed by Garcia. The blonde draped the blanket lying across the top of the couch over his shoulders. Reid thanked her with his eyes and a smile. Garcia's eyes brightened as Reid's smiles had been in rare supply of late.

"Hey, kid," Morgan said with the nickname reserved only for the youngest member of their team. Reid's eyes fell on Morgan, one of the few he could willingly admit he entrusted his life with. On many occasions Morgan was ready to pounce at the monster who threatened the man he considered his younger brother. "You know we're here for you if you ever need us."

Reid looked down at his lap. He felt his smile widening. Despite the crackling of the fireplace and the blanket covering his arms he found himself shivering. So this is what it was like to have a caring family.

Reid questioned them about how things had been going in Quantico. Morgan informed him that they had not been called out on any cases yet and how the last two days had included much paperwork. Reid's lips curved upwards at the thought of how Morgan tried his best to evade paperwork. Several of his colleagues would sneak folders onto his desk when he was on a coffee or bathroom break. The genius frowned, suddenly missing Quantico.

"Something bothering you, baby?" Garcia asked noticing the change of expression on her friend's face.

Reid shook his head. "No, no, it's nothing," he said.

"Reid," Morgan said gently. He waited until Reid made eye contact before speaking. "You don't have to hide anything from us."

"I'm not," Reid assured him.

Morgan did not believe him, but let it go for the moment. He spoke, "If you want to talk about anything you have my number."

"Mine too," Garcia said.

Reid nodded. "Thanks." He offered his friends a smile. "I'm glad to have friends like you."

Garcia's face lit up and she pulled Reid into a hug. Reid allowed himself to enjoy the comfort of loving arms holding and protecting him. He leaned against her shoulder and shut his eyes. He let all his troubles, cares, and worries leave for the moment. Garcia gently stroked Reid's bangs. Reid smiled, recalling a memory from his childhood when his mother was coherent enough to comfort her sorrowful son after a nightmare or a horrible day at school. She would brush his hair from his forehead while holding him close. It had been years since Reid experienced anything of the sort.

Garcia felt Reid falling limp in her embrace. She looked down to see that the genius had given into exhaustion. She smiled as she adjusted the knitted blanket over his arms then slowly rocked him.

Morgan took the opportunity to join Gideon in the kitchen. The team lead placed the pan in the oven before turning to face the other profiler. Even if he were not one of the brightest profilers Gideon could see the worried expression on the other man's face.

"Gideon," Morgan began. He was unsure how to go about the question without sounding nosey. He inhaled deeply and decided to just take a direct approach. "What happened?"

Gideon attempted to brush the question aside but the look on Morgan's face clued him in that he could not keep this quiet from Reid's unofficial brother.

"How much did Hotch tell you?" Gideon asked.

"Just that Reid needed time away and that you were helping him," Morgan replied. He paused for a beat then added, "I know there's more to the story." Morgan briefly shifted his gaze to the floor. "I'm afraid I already know why, but I don't want to admit it outloud." Morgan ceased speaking to allow Gideon to inform him on the remaining details.

"You know about…" Gideon trailed off in case there was the slim chance that Morgan was oblivious to Reid's addiction.

"About the drugs?" Morgan answered. His expression became grave. "Did he relapse?"

Gideon nodded. He tossed the potholder on the counter and crossed his arms. His stern eyes met with the serious ones belonging to Morgan. Gideon felt as though he was betraying Reid's trust by telling the other profiler, but Morgan's knowledge on Reid's struggle eased his conscience. Besides he knew that Morgan would pry until his questions were answered.

"When?" Morgan asked.

Gideon sighed. He glanced out at the living room where Garcia busied herself with placing Reid's head on the couch cushion. It still baffled him how young the doctor truly was. He had unrivaled intelligence. He had a natural talent for reading people and due to his childhood an overwhelming sense of independence. However nothing could have prepared him for what he went through with Hankle. There were no classes in the university or the academy to teach him how to overcome an addiction. Gideon was unsure if Reid was afraid of telling those who loved him out of fear of being judged.

Reid rarely ever shared his past experiences with his teammates. He confided in Gideon about his mother's illness and his fears of inheriting it. He knew the statistics which frightened him every day. Reid also shared with him on the ride to the meeting the reason he was so opposed to seeing a psychiatrist. That confession nearly persuaded Gideon from having the boy attend therapy. However seeing the shuddering form on the ride back to the cabin reinstated his initial decision. Reid barely spoke of the recent nightmares and his whole ordeal with Tobias and the drugs, he needed counseling.

"He looked terrible," Gideon admitted as he relived the night he found Reid a bloody mess in his apartment. The boy looked like he was on death's doorstep. A part of him feared that Reid was ready to welcome death had he not shown. "I couldn't leave him there alone. I had to get him away for a while."

Morgan nodded and offered his boss a smile. "You did what was best for him."

Gideon nodded. "I thought he was handling it. I should've seen the signs."

Morgan stared as the leader of the BAU revealed his vulnerabilities and failures, something he had never witnessed. However, everyone knew how Gideon viewed the youngest member. If anything ever happened to Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon would be a mess.

"Gideon," Morgan said calmly. "Reid had us all fooled." He placed a comforting hand on the older man's shoulder. "He trusted you enough to come to you for help."

Gideon's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to see that he gets help this time." His voice softened. "I don't want to think of what might happen if I fail."

"You can handle it," said Morgan. "We're all here if you need us."

Gideon smiled. That was the truth, the team was willing to do anything for the other members. They would not allow Spencer to fall into the darkness.

* * *

><p>After dinner Reid and Gideon stood out on the porch to say a farewell to Morgan and Garcia. Morgan informed Gideon that Garcia was the most worried when Hotch told the group that Reid and Gideon would be away for a while. Morgan knew there was no way Garcia would be able to rest until she saw Reid with her own eyes. Therefore he offered to let her tag along for the trip.<p>

Said blonde analyst wrapped her arms firmly around Reid for a third time since she saw him. She placed her hands on his shoulders and made him promise to contact her if ever he needed anything. Reid nodded and gave her his word.

With a few final words and farewells the two visitors made their way to their vehicle. So far they had been lucky, but it was only a matter of time before they were needed for another case. The truck vanished from their line of vision.

Gideon clamped a hand down on Reid's shoulder and nodded towards the door. Reid crossed his arms and followed his mentor inside. Gideon noticed a dark look on his protégé's face.

"Something troubling you, Spencer?" Gideon asked.

Reid shrugged. Gideon lifted his brow.

"You can't fool me that easily," Gideon stated.

Reid's eyes fell to the floor. "It's nothing, really."

"Reid, you know I'm here to help you. Anything you need to tell me, I'll listen."

Reid sighed heavily. "I just don't want to have to burden you with this."

"Spencer," Gideon said firmly. He grabbed Reid's shoulders so that the boy would look him square in the eyes. "We're here to heal. Anything that's bothering you, you need to tell me."

Reid sighed again. He knew there was no way of getting out of this. If he wanted to hide something from Gideon he needed to try harder. Though there was a part of him that scolded him for considering hiding anything from his father figure.

"When they were here," Reid began, unsure of how to word his feelings. Gideon nodded for him to continue. "I didn't crave once."

Gideon smiled. "That's a good thing, Spencer."

Reid nodded. "I know." His tone changed. He slightly quivered. "It just scares me because I don't like how it feels when I'm craving." He gripped his own arms. "I'm so scared because I can start craving any minute." The shaking increased. "I'm afraid that I'll never return to how it used to be."

"You can get through this," Gideon stated.

Reid's eyes met with his. "How can you be sure?"

Gideon's eyes filled with sincere pity. "I don't know for sure, but I know I will never let you to suffer in silence. I will be there with you every step of your recovery." He paused to let Reid digest his words. "I don't know how long the cravings will affect you. But I know you're stronger than this drug and you can overcome it."

The words comforted Reid enough to slow the shivers. He had to admit it felt better to have someone to talk these things through with. He knew Gideon would never abandon him.

"Thanks," Reid said. Another shiver crept down his spine. "Thanks for everything."

Gideon nodded and clapped Reid on the back.

The next morning was going to be a difficult task for Reid. He expressed his fears of seeing a shrink, but Gideon assured him that therapy would help him. For now he needed to trust Gideon's judgment.

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><p>Yeah, after a sweet chapter I had to throw a little angst in there. The therapy session will be in the next chapter along with more drama. As always, feel free to offer any criticisms andor ideas for future chapters.

Thanks for reading. Until next time.


	6. Therapy Session

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter.

Leavinghome: Thanks for the review. This chapter will deal more with Reid's psychiatrist phobia. It was interesting to write. I hope you enjoy.

Lpearson: Thanks for reviewing. The parental Gideon/Reid relationship is fun to write. Reid really trusted Gideon as a father figure (which is why I hate how he just left Spencer-well in this story that never happened). I hope you like this chapter.

BrokenSky49: Thanks for the review. Garcia is just so sweet that she had to be in this story. I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

SherlockXHolmes23: Thanks for the review. There will be more intense chapters coming (not so much this one though, it's more mellow compared to the others).

SpiderKateCriminalMind: Thanks for the review. I really want to write a fight between the two, but I'm not sure when/where. It might happen in the next chapter though. There is a somewhat argument in this one, but not really that intense. I hope you enjoy.

Bonkers 4 Reid: Thanks for reviewing. Yes, Garcia strikes me as an excellent hugger. Don't worry in my story Gideon will NEVER abandon Reid. Never, ever. Thanks for letting me know about the last name thing, I gave more variety in the names in this chapter.

Lovedrreid: Thanks for the review. Thanks for the compliment. I hope you enjoy this new chapter.

Thanks for all the reviews, everyone. You guys are so awesome! Without further ado, chapter six!

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><p>Reid impatiently tapped his foot along the carpeted floor of a room he hoped to never have to step inside. It was clean with the overwhelming smell of potpourri. Two fake potted plants sat over in the corner by the window. The blinds were shut at Reid's request. He did not want to be there, let alone have anyone else know he was forced to attend this meeting.<p>

A woman in her mid thirties sat in the chair across from him. The furniture was mauve with a small coffee table between the two. Spencer leaned against the cushion on the chair he occupied. The woman sat across from him, her straight auburn hair bobbed as she nodded while he spoke. In her hands she clutched a wooden clipboard. Reid wanted to know what she scribbled down with that squeaking blue pen every so often.

It was Gideon who forced him to see this woman. He suggested that he have a neutral person outside their team for him to talk with. There was only so much Reid was willing to reveal during the meetings, so Jason figured a psychiatrist was in the younger man's best interest. Reid, on the other hand, had hoped to go his life without having to be in the presence of a shrink.

"Spencer, are you feeling nervous?" she asked.

Reid glanced up. He slouched and nodded. "I—I know that I shouldn't, but I can't help feeling uncomfortable," he admitted. The therapist merely nodded. Reid sighed. He wondered why Gideon felt setting him up with a female counselor was the best choice. Sure he was raised by a single mother, but he was not too comfortable spilling his personal life to this woman he barely knew.

"You don't have any reason to be uncomfortable here, Spencer," Dr. Brewer stated. "As I told you before anything spoken in this room will never leave this room." Reid found himself somewhat relaxed by the psychiatrist's sincere smile.

"It's nothing personal," Reid admitted. He shifted in his seat as he normally did when feeling nervous. "I just don't trust—I mean I know the statistics on the genetics of certain mental illnesses."

"You're referring to your mother?" Brewer asked.

Reid nodded. He leaned against the back cushion of the plush chair. He found himself wondering if this was how his mother felt when she was in the presence of the doctors at the hospital. A pang of guilt invaded his heart as he was reminded once more that he was the one who placed her there. He was well aware that it was in her best interest, however, ever since the case with Hankle he found himself questioning his judgment more and more.

"No one will judge you here, Spencer," Brewer said. She smiled as she visibly saw her client relax. She allowed a few beats to pass before switching to the reason he sought her help. "Now, Spencer, will you please tell me a little about your struggle with narcotics."

Spencer sighed. Despite his attempts to avoid the topic for the duration of the hour he knew it was only a matter of time before he was guided back to the reason he was there. He only had to endure this for two sessions. It was the deal the two profilers made, if Reid agreed to attend at least two sessions and he felt that it was doing him no good he could drop the counselor all together.

"A few months ago my team and I were summoned to Georgia on a murder case," Reid began. By the time he finished telling her the majority of the story, minus a few painful details, their hour was up. Spencer let out a sigh of relief that he did not have to discuss anymore on the matter for the moment.

The clock read two minutes to one. That gave him enough time to eat lunch with Gideon before the latter drove him to the narcotics anonymous meeting. He had to attend that meeting every day Monday through Saturday. He had to admit, hearing the others speak on their struggles with the addiction made him feel less alone. He loved his team and they had done wonders for him, especially Jason Gideon, but there was something about being in the presence of others who were fighting the same battle as him, feeling just as vulnerable, that made him feel more comfortable.

There was one man who had been battling his addiction for nearly seven years. It took his wife threatening to leave with the kids to make him seek help. Another in the group, a man at the fresh age of thirty who began using after his son died in a car accident. These were people he could trust. They were not ashamed about admitting their emotions. And though Reid had yet to speak himself, they helped provide him with the courage he needed to beat the addiction.

At last the dreaded hour ended. He shook hands with the psychiatrist. The two agreed to meet at the same time two days later.

Reid stormed out of the room. He waited for the elevator in the lobby of the third floor. He glanced around at the various paintings that lined the walls. He recalled a time when his mother took up painting as a hobby. He was only ten at the time and wanting to make his mother proud attempted to emulate the classic pieces she held a fondness for. Diana gladly accepted the amateur works and displayed them at her office at the university along with her study in their house. Spencer now wondered if he still retained a minor talent for painting that he apparently had at a young age. Though it now scared him the type of pictures he would create were he to be in control of the brush.

The elevator chimed announcing its arrival. The young doctor stepped inside the small box. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes trying to keep his mind from listing off the statistics associated with elevator-related injuries each year. The elevator chimed once more and the doors opened. Reid let out a sigh of relief then stepped into the open lobby. The young receptionist spoke a kind farewell to him with a slight blush creeping about her cheeks as Reid passed her way. Spencer politely waved then exited to find Gideon waiting for him in the parking lot.

The younger man chose not to speak on the matter of the time in the therapist's office. Gideon respected his colleague's wishes and cranked up the car.

The two stopped at a small café on the same street where Reid's meetings were held. The two profilers sat outside at a table beneath a white and yellow striped umbrella. Reid played with the straw that led to his glass of Sprite (as it was a soda that contained no caffeine). The waitress brought them their food to which they thanked her. She said a few parting words to them before rushing off to tend to her other customers.

"Something on your mind, Spencer?" Gideon asked.

Spencer sighed. He knew it was only a matter of time before Gideon mentioned the silence. "If it's possible I don't want to go back on Thursday."

Gideon let out a sigh. Reid could tell that his superior was not pleased with his request.

"You said that if I tried it and didn't find it beneficial I wouldn't have to go back," Reid argued before Gideon had a chance to brush off his request.

"Spencer, it's only been one day," Gideon stated.

"I'll continue with the meetings, I just don't like seeing a psychiatrist," Reid countered. Being a profiler he knew how people within Brewer's field thought.

"Spencer, I understand your concerns," Gideon spoke in a kind voice. "I just think it would really help you to talk to someone outside our group. Someone who won't judge or condemn you."

"But I really don't like it there," Spencer all but pleaded.

"Well, as I mentioned when we arrived here that this trip was to help you and if I feel you need something I was going to make the decision," Jason replied.

"I'm not going," Reid said slamming his cup down on the table.

Gideon's eyes narrowed. "Spencer," he said in a warning tone. "I don't want to have to force you on this. Please just give it one more try and if on Thursday you feel that it's not helping at all—then you can quit."

Reid wanted to shout how unfair he felt Gideon was being, but a part of him knew that the older man was only doing what he felt was in his best interest. Spencer's own father left when he was so young, so he was not used to someone forcing him to do things he did not want to in order to benefit him.

Reid surrendered. "Fine," he said at last.

Gideon smiled. "Good." He noticed that the boy had yet to make eye contact with him. "Spencer," he said in a gentle tone. The mentioned finally looked up at him with a scowl. It took everything in his power not to laugh at Reid's pout. It was the same look his own son tried with him so often when he was a child who was denied something he wanted. "I'm proud of you for being so mature about this."

Spencer smiled. It never ceased to amaze him how hearing those words always brightened his spirits. He nodded in agreement. The two finished their lunch before heading out for the meeting.

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><p>Yeah, I know it's a short chapter. I didn't really know where to go with this chapter. I have a general idea of what I want to happen next, so this chapter was kind of filler with a somewhat sweet moment at the end. I'm planning on having Gideon and Reid have some kind of argument in the next chapter, but I'm still unsure about what. If anyone has any ideas of what can happen please let me know. Until next time! Happy Halloween everyone!<p> 


	7. Disagreement

After two months I bring you the next chapter. As promised there will be some more angst and drama in this chapter. I hope everyone had a good New Year's and will continue to have a good year!

SpiderKateCriminalMind: Thanks for your review. I'm sorry it took so long to update, but I hope you enjoy this chapter. Yes, do anticipate a fight.

Lpearson: Thanks for reviewing. Nope, Reid won't be suffering alone in this story. In this story we're going to pretend Gideon never left. He's going to be there for Reid through the whole recovery whether the young genius wants it or not.

Miso Muchi: Thanks for your honest review. Hopefully this chapter is more interesting. Seriously, I thank you for giving me the feedback.

Bonkers4Reid: Thanks for your review. I'm glad you liked the last chapter and I hope you like this one just as much!

On with chapter seven!

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><p>The first week passed with little event. Reid was faithful to his word concerning the meetings without so much as a complaint.<p>

The first week was the most difficult. He had heard many times that the first step was always the most difficult, but once overcoming that first large hurdle the rest were not as scary. The nightmares had stopped at least for a moment. He knew they were likely to return any moment. He only hoped he was allowed a little more peace before the horrors of his heart brought up unfinished business from his restless mind. Even with the encouragement from his friends and momentary peace, he was always aware of the presence lurking ready for the strike.

With that in mind he made sure to remember there were those around who would help him through those difficulties. His family and acquaintances from the meetings were always there to cheer him on through the battle.

Reid had actually come to look forward to the meetings. The other members never looked at him with condescending pity or judgment. They were right there with him and understood just how difficult it was to overcome an addiction. They were all aware of how long the process could take, but they were willing to move in the step towards recovery.

He had become friends with one of the men who was not too much older than himself. Robbie was his name; he sat down beside Reid right before the meeting began.

"Hey, Spencer," Robbie said shaking hands with the mentioned.

At the last meeting Robbie told of how he used to be a cop and was shot twice in the leg. He lost a battle with prescription painkillers and nearly lost his job because of it. He spoke of how the ultimatum his supervisor gave him between his job and the drugs was his wakeup call to seek help. Reid found comfort in Robbie's testimony.

"You gonna speak today?" he asked.

Reid shrugged. "I—I don't think I'm ready to stand up in front of everyone yet," he said. "I'm just not good speaking in front of groups." *

Robbie squeezed his shoulder. "Don't worry about it," he said with a half smile. "You're doing good just being here every day." He released his hold on Reid and leaned against the back of his chair. "When I started out I was too embarrassed and felt so guilty that it made it hard for me to come here every day. I was lucky to be here twice a week."

Reid smiled. Robbie gave his shoulder another squeeze then turned his attention to where the coordinator was stepping to the front. Reid crossed his arms over his chest with a smile on his face.

* * *

><p>Gideon called Spencer to the table for dinner. The younger profiler placed the medical journal he had been reading on the coffee table before following Gideon to the dining room.<p>

Reid smiled at the pasta dish set for him. He sat down and picked up the fork, twirling the fettuccini noodles about the prongs. He slurped causing the garlic sauce to splatter. Gideon could care less about the mess for he was glad to see Spencer eating.

"You've been in a cheery mood today," Gideon commented.

Spencer nodded. He swallowed the food currently in his mouth before speaking. "Today's meeting went really well."

Gideon smiled. "Good," was all he said. He kept the thoughts to himself concerning Reid's sleeping patterns. The younger agent had slept more peacefully the past two nights. He only dreaded the moment the nightmares returned.

As far as he knew Reid had not had any cravings for the past two days, the possible explanation for why he had been in such a good mood. Friday night Reid confided in him that he had the sudden urge to use. Gideon talked to him through the craving until he fell asleep. When the young profiler woke the next morning he still felt drained, but the craving had passed. When thinking about what could have happened he figured it to be a good tradeoff.

The elder profiler almost considered not bringing up the next topic for Reid was in too good a mood. He figured it was better to remind him while he was in a cheery disposition rather than a low one.

"Don't forget you have another appointment with Dr. Brewer tomorrow," Gideon stated.

Reid dropped the fork noisily against the almost empty plate. He sent a glare towards Gideon that would have mortally wounded him had Reid's eyes possessed laser blasts.

"Don't give me that," Gideon said. "You said last time that it wasn't so bad."

"That doesn't mean I want to go," Reid replied. "You told me that I wouldn't have to go back after Thursday if I didn't want to."

Gideon sighed. He was well aware that Reid would react in such a manner.

"I said you didn't have to if you honestly could tell me it wasn't doing you any good," Gideon reminded his protégé.

"You can't just change the rules as you go," Reid argued.

"That was the deal, Spencer," Gideon said, his volume slightly rising. "Now, can you tell me that it's done you no good?"

Spencer averted his eyes from Gideon. He pouted which made him look more like a spoiled child being denied a favorite treat rather than someone who was seriously enraged. In the back of his mind Reid knew it was useless arguing with Gideon when his reasoning was sound.

"Spencer?" Gideon asked.

Reid glanced up. From the look on Gideon's face he could tell that the older man was waiting for an answer to his question. Reid let out a huff of angry air. He shrugged, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of being right.

"That's what I thought," Gideon said. "You know it's helping. We'll take in steps. Just finish out this week and if you feel it's not doing you any good next week then you can stop." He looked at Reid for any sign of an agreement. "We'll just keep taking it week by week until we return to Quantico. What do you think?"

Reid glared at Gideon. "You don't have to be so condescending," Reid spat. Gideon's face showed a mix of surprise and confusion. Reid selected to elaborate. "You're talking to me like some child. You don't have to try and appease me, I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions."

"Not to offend you, Spencer, but I have to disagree," Gideon said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Spencer snapped.

Gideon sighed. He did not like where this conversation was heading, but he figured it was about time he stopped babying Reid and let him know the truth. "You're in no state to be making your own decisions right now." He paused then added in a more serious tone, "Now, I told you that if I think something will benefit you—"

Reid stood up quickly causing his chair to crash on the floor. "You know, my whole life I was able to take care of myself without someone there to make my decisions for me!"

"And you need someone to help you right now," Gideon said moving towards Reid. He gently touched Reid's shoulder only to have his hand shook away. Gideon's eyes narrowed. "May I remind you that you came to me for help?"

"Well maybe that was a mistake!" Reid snapped.

Gideon stepped back. Reid could tell from the expression on his mentor's face that he was truly hurt from what he just said. Still anger proved to be the dominant force in his heart at the moment. He took advantage of Gideon's momentary shock to rush to the door.

By the time Gideon came to he noticed Reid had thrown on his coat and was heading out the front door. Gideon dashed to the door to see the figure of Spencer Reid running through the woods. Abandoning his own safety and comfort he ran out the door without a coat and feet in slippers.

"Spencer!" he called as he ran in the general direction Reid traveled. He was hit with the worry that at that time of night Reid could have easily gotten lost. He hoped that the genius would travel along the marked path, but people did foolish things in moments of anger.

Gideon figured that Reid's intelligence was leading him as usual. He ran down the path that led to town. He only hoped that Reid was working off some steam and would come back within the hour. Nonetheless he followed the path with the slim chances of catching him.

* * *

><p>The lights and sounds of a car passing told the young profiler that he neared the town. He stepped through the clearing to find himself along a street that led into the small town. He stuffed his hand into his jacket pocket feeling around for the slip of paper. His fingers brushed against the rough edge and pulled out the thin, white sheet. He walked towards the neon sign of the gas station a few feet away. The name and address entered his brain and he walked off in the direction of the area.<p>

Twenty minutes later Reid found himself nearing the building where his meetings were held. The apartment he sought was only two blocks from that building. Reid tightened his coat around his frame and pushed on.

After a few minutes more of walking he finally came upon the desired building. Reid ran up to the second floor of the structure. Having the apartment number fresh in his mind Reid headed straight to room 2C.

Spencer took a deep breath before knocking on the door. It suddenly dawned on him how impolite it was to show up unannounced. He never took into consideration if the person on the other side of the door had company over or was not in the mood to entertain guests.

It was too late to turn away as Reid heard the patter of feet shuffling towards the door. The door opened to reveal the face of his newest friend.

"Spencer, what're you doing here?" Robbie asked while looking for any signs of physical assault.

"I'm sorry, I don't know…" Reid trailed off. He gave Robbie a slight smile then said, "Do you mind some company?"

Robbie shook his head. "No, man, not at all, come in," he said then led Spencer into his one-bedroom apartment.

* * *

><p>Oh no! What will happen next? Will Gideon ever find Reid? Will the two apologize or is it too late for mending? Find out in the next chapter. That sounded pretty cheesy, huh?<p>

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.

*This is based on that scene in the second episode where Reid has trouble speaking in front of the classroom. It's something he overcomes as the series progresses, (as seen when he talks at the meeting in the third season) but I think he would still be nervous to speak before a large crowd at this point in time.

Until next time!


	8. Concerned

Everyone knows I don't own Criminal Minds, but once again here's the disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

SpiderKateCriminalMind: Thanks for your review. I'm glad you enjoyed the fight. I hope you like this chapter just as much.

Dragon Claymore: Thanks for reviewing. In this chapter they'll both realize the mistakes they made that you pointed out. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Syfyfan123: Thanks for the review. I'm glad you love this story and hope you love this new chapter just as much.

Kchan88: Thanks for the review. Gideon and Reid had a father-son relationship in the show which will be expanded more in this chapter and the next. I hope you like this chapter.

On with the story!

* * *

><p>Robbie stepped aside to allow his newest friend access to his home. Reid clutched his arms as he stepped inside.<p>

The room smelt of pizza and moldy cardboard. The furniture was navy blue, aged, and slightly tattered. The television blasted a laugh track from an awful, yet popular sitcom. The TV sat on a table made of cherry wood. A matching table separated the sofa and chair. On the table was a tiny lamp surrounded by two framed photographs: the first showing Robbie and a woman who he closely resembled (Reid assumed the female to be Robbie's sister) and the second was a child with blonde curls and a large smile.

Robbie trailed in after Reid muttering an apology about his messy home. Reid was in no way bothered by the state of the apartment seeing as how he showed up unannounced.

A giant, furry creature darted around the corner. Spencer jumped as the mastiff bared his teeth and growled. Reid held his hands up in a defensive manner and slowly backed away. Robbie stepped forward and grabbed the dog's collar, scolding him for being impolite to company. Reid let out a sigh of relief.

The youngest profiler glanced about his friend's house feeling suddenly awkward being in an unfamiliar location with someone he barely knew. So many cases began with someone trusting somebody enough to follow them to a secluded area, such as their homes. While Reid knew in his heart that Robbie would never do anything to harm him, so many instances from past cases surfaced to his conscious.

"Hey, I'm sorry about Sparky," Robbie said upon returning. He pursed his lips then added, "He's usually so much nicer to guests, I don't know what got into him tonight."

Reid smiled, already knowing why the dog growled at him: animals tended to dislike him. The genius recalled an article on how dogs had a sixth sense that told them whether or not a stranger could be trusted. Of course Spencer felt there was too little empirical data for the author of said article to support her claim.

"Spencer, have a seat," Robbie said as he walked into the kitchen.

Reid obeyed the request, somewhat shivering beneath his jacket. He had been inside many homes before but never shivered so much. He wondered if it was a possible side effect of being denied what he craved most.

That thought led Reid to regret running off without giving Gideon any clue of where he was heading. He never mentioned Robbie's name to his superior as he felt it went against the confidentiality the group was based on. Pangs of guilt seized the young man as he thought of Gideon aimlessly searching for his charge.

Robbie returned with two paper plates and two cans of soda. He handed one of each to his guest. Reid stared down at the two slices of pepperoni pizza that sat on the plate. He was not necessarily hungry after the delicious dinner he shared with Gideon, but figured it would be rude if he did not at least take several bites.

Reid brought the point of the triangle to his mouth. With the first bite the sauce exploded over his tongue and a string of cheese stuck to his lip. He licked up the stray cheese and smiled at Robbie who returned it with a grin of his own.

The other object in Reid's hand cooled his knee where it rested. Spencer glanced down at the name brand dark soda. Gideon had banned him from drinking caffeine since their arrival a week prior. The temptation was too great. Reid snapped the top back and took a long swig. He exhaled a delighted sigh while simultaneously feeling guilty for breaking Gideon's rule behind his back. It was not as though the older profiler needed to know, and was unlikely for him to find out. Then again Gideon always found out the secrets his protégé attempted to hide from him. Spencer let those thoughts leave his head. It was not as though drinking a single can of soda pop was the same as injecting himself with dilaudid (or any other pain killers for that matter).

"Hey, Spencer, is everything okay?" Robbie asked. Reid swallowed the soda in his mouth and looked up at the concerned eyes belonging to Robbie. The latter twisted his bottom lip then added, "I mean people don't usually show up at someone's house lookin' like you did unless something's wrong."

Reid sighed. He smiled, not sure why he thought he could hide his troubles from someone as good of a cop as Robbie. Not to mention the older man suffered the same struggles as him.

"I got in a fight with my fath—mentor," Reid said. He slightly flushed at the almost slip of the tongue. While it was true he had always been close to Gideon since before his first assignment with the BAU, he felt it was wrong to think of Jason as his father. Sure he deserved to be honored with that title and was ten times the dad his biological one was. However, Reid felt that he was not worthy enough to be considered a son by Gideon. After all good sons don't storm off leaving their fathers worried sick about the welfare of their children.

"What kind of fight?" Robbie asked. Reid looked at him and Robbie immediately chuckled. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be prying. You don't hafta answer if you don't wanna."

It was Reid's turn to laugh. "No, no, it's fine," he said. "Since I showed up uninvited, you are entitled to have many questions." Reid placed the food and can down on the side table beside the couch he rested on.

Spencer took a deep breath. Baring his soul was never an easy task for him, one of the reasons he had yet to speak at the meeting. Growing up he never trusted anyone enough to vent his emotions to, not even his mother. Ironically, the only one Reid felt comfortable enough to talk his feelings over with was Gideon.

Reid purposely kept from making eye contact with Robbie. Spencer began, "I haven't told you much about me." He paused, feeling somewhat nauseas at what he was about to say. He had put much effort in suppressing the events of his childhood for years and it was not until his encounter with Hankle that they returned. "My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic."

Spencer did not need to look up to see the surprised expression on Robbie's face. He nearly caught the silent gasp. Reid could only imagine what Robbie was thinking about him at the moment. He only hoped his friend would not assume he shared the disorder and kick him out of his house.

Upon receiving no harsh treatment Reid took that as a sign to continue. "My dad left when I was ten. I—I couldn't really talk to my mom…" Spencer trailed off. The shivers increased. "I had to take care of myself and my mom since I was a young kid. I had to make all the decisions myself." Spencer shifted. The many memories of coming home to his mother having one of her episodes surfaced. Only twice had she ever been hostile with him, but only verbally, accusing him of not really being her son. The pain of the memory was every bit as strong as the night she spoke those words.

Robbie noticed the horror and agony on the younger man's face. He reached over snapping Spencer out of his trance.

"Hey, Spencer, you don't have to say anymore if you don't want," Robbie said in a calm voice.

"No, I should tell someone," Reid countered. He sighed then continued, "Since we arrived here Gideon's been making all the decisions for me." He paused then added, "I'm just not used to having someone take care of me."

Robbie felt a pang of sorrow and regret for the man who appeared so young. He was fresh into his twenties and already lost his innocence. That being if there ever was any innocence left after the childhood that he was robbed of.

"Gideon wanted me to do something I really didn't want to," Reid confessed. He mentally chided himself for his method of disagreeing with Gideon. "I snapped at him and ran." Spencer clamped his hands over his elbows. The desire to insert a needle deep into those veins tripled. Even in the company of a trusted friend he wanted Gideon there.

"Hey, it's okay," Robbie said. Once again Robbie's voice proved to be soothing at such a trying moment. It was so much like Gideon's. It was every bit as comforting as the majority of his team. Morgan and JJ always knew what to say to comfort him. They always did what they felt was best for him, even if he did not want it. Just like Gideon.

Reid suddenly felt horrible for what he did to his mentor. He only hoped Gideon was not breaking down somewhere worried about the whereabouts of the youngest member of his team, the person he vowed to look after.

"Why don't you call him," Robbie said handing Reid a cordless phone.

Spencer hesitated with his hand in the air for about a minute. He feared that Gideon might give up on him after his rash behavior. All the trust he finally established with someone could possibly be thrown out the window.

The young profiler grabbed the phone. He stared down at the white object a few seconds more before dialing the number he knew by memory.

* * *

><p>The bells clanged against the door warning the clerk of a potential customer's arrival. The thirty-year old brunette smiled at the familiar face.<p>

"Jason, it's nice to see you again," the clerk said in a scratchy voice.

Gideon offered him a quick smile then approached the counter. "Hank, have you seen a man about twenty, this tall," Gideon made a gesture with his hand that estimated Reid's height. "He has brown hair past his ears and very skinny. Would've just passed through here."

Hank looked up to the ceiling for a few seconds then shook his head. "Wish I could help ya out, Jason, but that description's ringin' no bells. We don't get many customers this time a night."

Gideon lowered his head. Reid had never done anything so irresponsible in his life (other than trying to hide his addiction from his colleagues and family).

"You lookin' for 'im, or somethin'?" Hank asked.

Gideon was about to reply when he caught what the clerk meant. "Oh, no, he's not a suspect, he's—he's one of my agents and he left some time agon and has been gone for quite a while."

"Gee, Jason, I wish I could help ya, but I haven't seen 'im," Hank said sadly.

Gideon waved away the sorrow. "Don't worry about it." He thanked Hank then headed for the glass door. The bell smacked against the pane once more. Gideon turned to face the man a second time and said, "If you do happen to see him, please tell him to at least call."

"Will do, Jason!" Hank called with a wave.

Gideon nodded then turned towards the exit. He stepped down on the pavement staring ahead at the three gas pumps. The evening air proved to be chillier than he predicted. The weather only caused Gideon's concern for Spencer's well-being to increase. He only hoped that Reid found safe shelter somewhere in town.

The thought of Reid seeking out a dealer surfaced in Gideon's mind. It was a small town, and figured Reid would not successfully score any dilaudid, but there were other painkillers that were easily attainable. As far as he knew Spencer had no cash on him and feared what else the dealer would demand as payment.

Then there was the fact that Reid was a scrawny young man that would attract potential muggers. When they realized their victim had nothing of value they would be motivated to seriously injure him. Reid was a trouble magnet and without a gun and very little combat training, it was too dangerous for him to be walking out alone. Gideon had seen too many cases that began with an isolated victim. Not to mention a more recent case caused all the members of the BAU, Gideon in particular, to be more protective of the youngest agent. That one moment separated from the group on an unsub's property nearly cost Spencer his life and caused him much damage that was going to take months, even years to recover from.

Gideon climbed into the driver's seat of his truck. When Spencer got a headstart on him in the woods Gideon returned home for his truck, hoping to catch up to the younger profiler before he gained too much ground. Now Gideon wished he had continued to chase after Reid on foot.

There was no time to dwell on regrets. He started the vehicle and began to slowly drive about the town. He carefully looked at each person he passed. With each passing second his worry increased.

As he turned a corner his cell phone rang. Gideon immediately grasped the device and flipped the top up without even checking the ID.

"Hello," Gideon cried into the phone.

"Gideon," the familiar voice said weakly.

Gideon let out a sigh of relief. He pulled into the nearest parking lot. Once the car was in park he resumed his conversation with Reid.

"Spencer, where are you?" Gideon asked. The lead profiler waited to hear which of the many possible locations his youngest member stood.

"I'm—I'm at a friend's house," Reid answered.

Gideon blinked. Friend? When had Spencer met a friend? The only answer that made sense was that this person was someone he met at the meeting. Gideon was immediately relieved to know Reid was at least safe with someone Reid could trust.

Gideon paused for a few seconds before speaking. "When you cool down, please come back to the cabin." He continued before Reid had a chance to argue. "We'll discuss this in a rational manner then."

"Yes, I'll be there within an hour," Spencer answered. He heard the tension in Gideon's breathing relax. He added, "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"Please take care of yourself until then," Gideon instructed. The two said a quick farewell then Gideon hung up.

Jason placed his palms over his eyes. He allowed the hands to run down his face. He leaned his head against the back of the headrest and repeated, "Reid will be okay," five times to calm his nerves. Once he regained control of his trembling fingers he began his return to the cabin.

The last thing Gideon wanted was for Reid to be in an unknown location. Still the older man figured it was better to let Reid return home on his own instead of forcing him. That was what started the fight in the first place.

* * *

><p>Reid handed the telephone back to Robbie who promptly sat it on the receiver. Spencer stared down at his slightly shaking hands for a few minutes while the other man watched him in concern.<p>

"Spencer, everything okay?" Robbie asked.

Reid shrugged. There was an acute pull of nerves in his heart.

"He's really worried about me," Reid said.

Robbie clapped him on the shoulder. "It'll be okay," he said.

"I don't know why I snapped at him—I mean, I—I know why I did, but I never should've," Reid answered. He looked Robbie in the eyes. "Gideon's the closest I've ever had to father. I know he's disappointed in me." Reid gripped at the couch cushion. "After tonight it wouldn't surprise me if he gives up entirely." I've been nothing but a disappointment.

"Hey, don't think like that," Robbie said calmly. "From what I heard he doesn't sound like the type who'll just give up."

"But," Reid tried to argue.

Robbie would not allow Spencer to speak. "He obviously cares for you," Robbie said. He gave Spencer a smile. Very few times had Robbie witnessed someone pick up after the first ring. "I don't think he'll abandon you," he added as an after thought.

Those words were enough to comfort his young friend. Reid tugged on the light jacket about his frame. "Thanks," he said returning Robbie's smile. "I should probably start back." Spencer stood up and headed for the door.

Robbie grabbed his jacket and set of keys from the bowl on the table. "I'm not gonna let you just walk home," Robbie said following Spencer out the door.

Spencer knew the reasons he should not get into a car with someone he barely knew, but in the very rare chance that Robbie desired to harm him he would have done so at the apartment. Reid hopped in the passenger seat and fastened his seatbelt.

He gave Robbie the directions to the cabin. In ten minutes they were riding through the woods that led to Gideon's residency. At last they reached the cabin. The very man who had been the object of their previous conversation stood on the porch in a heavy jacket. Reid saw Gideon's facial features relax upon seeing the approaching vehicle.

Reid opened the door. "Thanks for everything," he said.

Robbie replied with a smile. "No problem, man. Take care."

Reid watched as Robbie backed out of the gravel driveway. He drove down the trail and disappeared behind a mass of trees.

Spencer swallowed the turned his attention to Gideon who had yet to move from his spot on the porch. The youngest member of the BAU now felt like a child who had to face an angry parent for some stupid act. Reid hesitantly began walking towards the porch. He stopped at the bottom step and gradually looked up at Gideon who wore a frown that appeared more sad than angry. Reid inhaled sharply then moved up the stairs.

The two locked eyes as they stared at the other. Reid tried his best to hide the shivers.

Gideon was the first to speak, "Please don't ever run away again."

Now that the ice had cracked the nerves slowly subsided. Still the frigid air kept Spencer shivering. Gideon noticed how uncomfortable his charge appeared. He reached out a hand and placed his palm on Spencer's shoulder. He gave Reid a smile then led him inside the warmth of the cabin.

* * *

><p>That's it for chapter eight, everyone. There will probably only be one or more chapters left. Thank you to everyone who has read and left feedback.<p>

Until next time!


	9. Demons and Ghosts

I do not own Criminal Minds.

I apologize for the long delay with this story. I was stuck on where to go next and discovered I am ready for this story to come to a close. There will be one more chapter after this one.

Thank you Dragon Claymore, SpiderKateCriminalMind, and Miso Muchi for your reviews on the last chapter. I much appreciate it.

Warnings: Some angst, a bit of the supernatural (not really horror).

* * *

><p>Reid took a seat on the couch across from the older profiler. He wrapped his arms about himself, finding it difficult to look Gideon in the eyes. After that stunt it would take some time to earn back Gideon's trust.<p>

They sat in silence for a while. The absence of noise did not bother Jason for he used that time to survey the younger man. Reid hung his head, his long hairs concealing his eyes from view. While eyes were an important clue to reading another's feelings, the veteran profiler could sense Reid's thoughts from other means.

Spencer rubbed his arm and bit down on his lip. He hated the silence and wished Gideon would go ahead and say something just to alleviate the guilt.

"Spencer," Gideon said at last, noticing the increasing anxiety within the mentioned. Reid nodded his acknowledgment, still unable to meet Gideon's eyes. Jason sensed this and wanted to put aside any fears the boy might have housed. In a kind voice he added, "Please look at me."

Reid licked his bottom lip, the skin chilling his tongue. He hesitated for a second then replied, "I don't think I can."

Gideon lifted an eyebrow. He leaned forward in his chair and folded his hands. "Why is that?"

Reid shrugged, unsure why he could not reveal the truth. It was not as though Gideon would not be able to read his feelings and figure him out. The older man knew him as if he had been there to raise him from infancy.

"You think I'm disappointed in you?" Gideon asked.

"Aren't you?" Spencer asked. He found the courage to look up into Gideon's weathered eyes. Within those orbs he only saw concern.

The instant Spencer met his gaze, Jason gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm not disappointed in you," Gideon replied. "While I'm sure you'll agree in hindsight that running away was not the best choice of action, I can understand why."

"You're not angry?" Reid asked. He straightened his posture and held both arms in his lap. He was more than certain that Gideon would be furious for worrying him and he had every right to be.

"I don't agree with what you did," the older man replied. "But I'm not going to lecture you." _I'm not your father_, he added in his head.

Reid leaned his head against the couch cushion. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you." he said. He paused for a few seconds then added, "But sometimes it's hard for me to accept. I'm not used to people making my decisions for me."

Gideon nodded and said, "I understand. I shouldn't have pushed it without consulting you first."

"I don't feel comfortable visiting a psychiatrist," Spencer replied. "I feel…watched, it's unnerving." He bit his lip then added, "I don't like whatever she could be thinking about me." Spencer thought of his mother and was too afraid of ending up like her. He knew the likelihood of it happening.

Jason sighed. Though he felt deep down that speaking with a therapist would help Spencer in the long run, he knew that forcing him would result in another flaring of tempers and perhaps even a broken trust.

"Alright," Gideon said. "I strongly recommend that you seek counseling whenever you feel you need it. But you don't have to go if you don't want to." He placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder. "In return you have to promise me to talk to someone: me, a professional, someone on the team, someone from the meetings, just somebody if you ever start craving."

Spencer smiled and gave a small nod. "I promise," he said.

"Good," Gideon replied. He knelt down in front of Spencer. "Let me see your arms."

Reid sighed but understood Gideon's reasoning. The amount time he was away along with the fact that he had been housed by a fellow user not an hour ago was clear cause for worry. Spencer removed his jacket and pulled up his sleeves past his elbows. Jason put on his glasses then scrutinized every inch of Reid's skin. Upon finding no new track marks or bruising he gave the younger man a clap on the shoulder then stood.

Spencer mirrored Gideon's movement and immediately crossed his arms. He shut his eyes at the memory of the last time he shot up. It had been a week, but he still cringed at the memory of the sharp pain when the needle penetrated the skin. He could still recall the pressure of the syringe against his body. It made him sick to his stomach each time he gave into the drug all while knowing every reason he should stop. Sometimes he had felt as if his hands were working against his brain. However each time the victims' faces vanished from his conscious, it weakened the voices of protest.

That was in the past. As Reid had heard at many of the meeting that week, he could not go on thinking of the past, he had to push forward. He had someone beside him that he could trust and would not stop until he had kicked the addiction entirely. Throughout the week Gideon had reminded him of one fact: he was on his side.

Gideon could see that something bothered Reid, but guessing by the younger man's body language he was not willing to speak of it anytime soon. It had been a long day for the both of them and now that Spencer had returned safely with the drug nowhere in his system was enough for Jason at the moment.

"Maybe we should call it a night," Gideon suggested. Reid nodded his approval of the statement. After all that had happened he was more than ready for a little shut eye.

* * *

><p>That night sleep came to Spencer without much resistant. Behind his lids the genius found himself walking along a rocky path beneath the shade of the oak trees. It was nearing dawn and the recent dew clung to his khaki pants. The air was still a bit chilly and the waking sun was trying its best to peek through the clouds.<p>

In his hands Reid held a bouquet of blue forget-me-nots with a few white carnations mixed in. The nerves bounced about and his heart was racing faster than he would have preferred. Still, there was no use in putting off the visit any longer.

At long last he reached the steel fence. Though the area was not open to visitors for another half hour Spencer pushed against the entrance gate to hear it slightly creek and allow him access. With the flowers clutched tightly against his chest, the brunette made his way past the shining stones. All moss and leaves had been cleared from the older ones, flowers adorning each memorial.

He suddenly stopped as his eyes met with that name that had haunted so many of his thoughts. Engraved on the stone in large letters read: Michelle Mathias.

Spencer knelt down before the headstone and ran his hand over the carved stone. It was cold to the touch and still somewhat damp. He bowed his head. So many years had passed since he last offered a prayer. For Michelle he managed a moment of silence to allow whatever higher power the late teenager believed in to listen to the sorrow his heart cried for her.

One so young robbed of her life because some sick individual found it entertaining to see women scream. Daniel Fuller was the one who murdered her not him. For too long he had been blaming himself for an outcome he had no control over. Gideon's words resounded in his head when he attempted to offer him the same spoken comfort.

"I've been waiting for you," a voice chimed.

Spencer glanced up to see a teenage girl sitting before him. Her raven hair hung behind her ears and she was dressed in a blue dress with a full skirt and a white shirt beneath the thin straps. She tilted her head to the side and gave him a half smile.

The man who usually had a mouthful of words to spill to anyone who was willing to listen found himself speechless. He was a man of facts and statistics and here sat someone who defied all scientific logic.

"You've been sad," Michelle said taking Reid's hand in her own. Reid glanced down to realize he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Michelle's cold fingertip traced the ghosts of previous track marks. "You've been hurting yourself because of me."

Spencer pulled his arm from her grip. "No," he answered, shaking his head. "I've been…hurting myself because of the pain." He stared down at his lap. "Of the failure. All the lives that didn't need to be lost." He clamped his hands into his now sweating hairs. "If only I had noticed sooner."

"Do you think anyone blames you?" Michelle asked as she gripped Reid's wrists and pulled his hands away from his face. Her pale eyes displayed pure sympathy. "You did the best you could. Because of you and your friends that man can't hurt anyone else ever again."

The air gradually became warmer as the sun began to rise. He stared into the pale orbs that sincerely pleaded for him to listen.

"Please don't let me be a cause for your pain anymore," Michelle begged. "You did nothing wrong."

Reid's hands clamped around his arms. "I want to stop," he confessed, feeling kind of silly for having this conversation with the deceased. "Sometimes I'm afraid I can't."

Michelle collected the flowers Spencer brought for her. "You can get through this. Those who love you will always be there to support you." She leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. Her lips felt like ice crystals. "I'll always be rooting for you."

With those words she vanished. The clouds collected blocking the sunlight. The remaining rays tried their best to fight for survival, but the gray proved its strength for the moment. Reid ran a hand over the patch of skin that the first needle had penetrated.

Spencer stilled at the sound of approaching footsteps. From the silhouette of the shadow he knew who hovered over his shoulder.

"I haven't been able to forget you," Reid said as he slowly stood and turned. He looked into the youthful face of his past tormenter. Tobias wore that same heavy coat and his innocent eyes stared at the man he had connected with that night.

"I tried to help you," Tobias said. The amount of sorrow in his eyes told the profiler that the other young man spoke the truth. "It made it better."

Reid shook his head. "No…you only made me worse."

"But it makes everything better," Tobias retorted. He sounded almost as if he continued to repeat that flawed logic it may turn into truth.

"I know you wanted to help," Reid said in a soft voice. "But I can't. I can't let it control me." He turned his back on the previous unsub. "I won't let you or that drug control me anymore."

Tobias dropped the vial and needle to the soil below. He turned with a heavy heart and began to walk away. Every once in a while he would check over his shoulder to see that Spencer refused to move. He stood strong with a fierce glimmer in his eyes.

Never again.

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><p>The rays broke through the overcast and seeped through the window panes. Spencer squinted his eyes, raising his hand to shield his face. His eyes slowly adjusted and he sat, peeling the blankets from his body. The memory of last night's events returned.<p>

After freshening up Spencer joined Gideon in the kitchen. Being it was Sunday there was no meeting. Gideon decided that since Reid had managed a week free from narcotics he deserved to be treated with a single cup of coffee. Spencer was too eager to accept the warm beverage.

"I'm glad to see you're in a good mood this morning," Gideon stated.

Reid smiled. "I came to a few conclusions over sleep," he replied.

Gideon lifted an eyebrow cluing Reid to share.

Gideon sat down at the table. "I'm ready to quit for sure." His hands cupped the mug. "When you first brought me out here I had doubts if I could really quit, or if I was just fooling myself."

"And now?" Gideon asked.

Spencer smiled in reply. "I won't give up. I won't let this drug destroy me anymore."

"I'm glad to hear that," Jason said. He took a large gulp of coffee.

"Thanks," Reid said after a moment of silence. Before Gideon had a chance to speak Reid clarified. "For helping me. For not abandoning me. It's not been easy for you this past week and...well thanks."

It was Gideon's turn to smile. "You are like a son to me, Spencer. I'll always be here when you need me."

Spencer nodded at the sentiment and returned his attention to the coffee. Nothing else needed to be spoken. It would be a difficult and possible long road, but he would remove the curse dilaudid had over him. He would be the victor.

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><p>Thus ends chapter nine. I hope you all enjoyed. Only one more to go!<p>

That bit with the dream sequence was kind of a last minute edit of an attempt to piece together the first and last scene without sounding redundant or cliche, but after writing it I really liked it and thought it worked well and decided to keep it in the final draft. Besides, after all the moments of horror with dreams of Michelle in this story, I thought it would be nice for her and Reid to have a moment to talk things over. Anyway, please let me know your opinions on it. Is it working or is it just an epic fail?

Thanks for reading. Have a great day, everyone!


	10. Epilogue: Return

At long last we have arrived at the final (and incredibly short) chapter. Thank you to everyone who has read this story. I give a special thanks to those who have favorited and reviewed.

Thank you SpiderKateCriminalMind, Dragon Claymore, and Zeny for your reviews on the last chapter.

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><p>The young doctor fidgeted from within the confines of the elevator. For once his uneasiness had little to do with the statistics of annual elevator-related deaths. He inhaled sharply, leaning his head against the metal wall.<p>

The older man took a glimpse over at him then placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Reid looked up, all emotion betraying him in that one glance.

"Everything will be fine," Gideon said in a kind voice.

Reid nodded. He licked his bottom lip and took a deep breath as the elevator showed its coming stop being their floor. His fingers twitched despite the fact that he knew he had nothing to worry about.

His friends—his family were supportive of Gideon's idea the instant they heard. They would be beyond relieved to see the progress he had made in the past month. Sure he was not fully healed, and part of him wondered if one in his position would ever truly recover, but at the time he felt he had a hold on it enough to function during work and to live on his own. Not to mention he would still be receiving help from support groups after work. Besides, that morning Gideon promised him that if he ever relapsed he would be there for him.

The chime rang and the doors opened revealing the bustling scene of the office. Gideon pat him on the back which cued him to follow. Reid shuddered as he hesitantly stepped out of the safety of the elevator.

Doubt seized him. His left foot stepped back into the box. His mind taunted him with the many reasons he should flee. The voices reminded him of what he was and no matter how much help he received and how far he came he would always be an addict. His friends could never forgive him, that addiction would forever brand him. It was pointless to think he could move on.

"Spencer," Gideon called.

The mentioned looked up. He saw the sincere smile on his father's face and gave him a half smile of his own. With crossed arms Spencer took a deep breath and exited the elevator. The instant he breathed in that distinct smell of the office and the voices silenced.

"You have nothing to worry about," Gideon said. "They'll be happy to see you."

"I'm glad to be home," Spencer replied.

They made their way over to the bullpen and everyone smiled upon seeing the youngest and oldest members of their family approaching.

Finally gathering the courage to look his colleagues in the eyes he was first greeted by Morgan's wide smile. Beside the man Reid considered an older brother stood Garcia who bit her bottom lip, trying to keep from crying. No longer able to contain herself she moved forward and wrapped her arms around Spencer.

"I've missed you, baby," she whispered in his ear.

"I missed you too, Garcia," Reid said, returning her tight embrace. He inhaled the strawberry scent of her hair as he nuzzled against it.

They parted and she gave him a sweet smile. JJ was the next to offer him a hug. They need not speak a word; they were too happy to be in the arms of the other.

While Reid was gone JJ had gone through an ordeal herself as she still blamed herself for what happened to the young genius. Prentiss had offered her comfort and support and though at times she found herself holding blame, she was able to push it away. Now that she held Spencer in her embrace, she was finally able to truly forgive herself as well.

The two profilers were met with a few minutes more of welcome backs until it was time to resume their work.

Spencer walked back to his desk. He sat down in the familiar chair, feeling a sense of belonging. The BAU was where he belonged. He was Spencer Reid, a profiler with the FBI, a member of a family who loved him very much. Those were the words that described him. The drugs were a part of his past and would remain locked away there where they could no longer control nor define him.

Reid picked up a pen and the first report on his desk. With a smile he began his work. He had finally returned home.

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><p>The end. Thanks for reading. Have a lovely day, everyone.<p> 


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